Season 11, Week 22: "Hiraeth"
May. 17th, 2020 02:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rayasoCoblyn/Coblynau: Welsh goblin/goblins.
Ogof was sitting around, drinking too much elfwater beer and throwing the empty bottles out of the entrance to his cave, hoping to hit a squirrel. He loved fresh Squirrel Surprise for dinner. He heard the bottle shatter on the rocks and knew it would be stale bread and cheese rinds again.
Being a coblyn was hard, but being the last one was worse.
Ogof was the last native Welsh goblin. All the others had slowly disappeared, dying over time. No one read their stories anymore and they had become forgotten. As imagined creatures, this had been killing off the coblynau, because new babies couldn’t hatch under rocks without someone to believe in them.
Finally, only a few old academics remembered them.[1] These days, if anyone saw Ogof in the woods, they thought he was one of those weak English goblins, the worst insult possible for coblynau.
“Why couldn’t we be like elves or fairies?” he grumbled. “Everyone loves them. Even a dwarf would’ve been better. If we’d called ourselves sprites, we’d still be here.”[2]
This ignored the green scaly skin, red eyes, long fangs, claws, and the club tail. And then there was the odor -- no one willingly got downwind from a coblyn.
Still, every imaginative creature knew that the key to survival was marketing. Cute was great, but the right agent was better; coblynau lacked both.
Years ago, dwarfs had hired Disney; although they still had to work in the coal mines alongside Ogof, they got to use tools and sing songs, with time off for movie appearances. He had to dig the coal with his clawed hands and if he ever tried to sing, the other miners would throw rocks at him until he stopped.
“Missed again,” thought Ogof, as his last bottle crashed on the rocks below his cave.
As he gnawed on a moldy cheese rind, he knew what he had to do: raid the village.
“I haven’t had fun in a long time,” he thought. “It’s been work, work, work – and what do I get for it? Weak elf beer and bad cheese. If I’m the last coblyn, I might as well act like it.”
It was nighttime, and Bwlchgwyn was only a couple of miles away, on the other side of the woods. Its peaceful inhabitants thought the Great Coblyn Raid of 1677 was just a quaint story, but Ogof knew the truth. Coblynau had never forgotten something that fun.
A single coblyn could not match the destructiveness of 1677, but Ogof would make sure the locals never forgot coblynau again. His fangs were dripping in excitement.
He crept around the village, scaring all the animals, until he found a house and heard voices through an open window. Better still, there was an old chair under it, making it easy to get in.
“Not young anymore,” he thought as he quietly climbed in. He’d heard that humans were tasty, although he had never met anyone who had actually eaten one.
Once inside, he smelled something glorious and clearly better than Squirrel Surprise. Ogof followed the scent to the kitchen, and there, on the table, was the source: it was round, red, and topped with melted cheese and who knew what else. It was unlike anything he had ever eaten.
“If only it were crunchy,” he thought.
From the doorway, he could see another room, with a smorgasbord of children gathered around a screen.
“I’ve heard that the small ones are soft and crunchy,” thought Ogof.
The children were seated in front of some screen and they controlled the action from some other device. Things were exploding and guns were firing with all kinds of loud noises. Ogof was transfixed. He watched them from the kitchen as he rummaged around for more food. Nothing was as good as the red circle.
When the screen went blank and the children left, Ogof climbed back out the window.
“It would be rude to eat them,” he thought. “I wonder what’s in the other houses?”
The next house was even better. There was no round circle, but there were children playing in front of a screen. This one had trolls and elves battling with swords and arrows, and he heard some of the children cheering for the trolls.
Ogof broke into eight houses that night. He didn’t eat anyone, but he ate what the children called pizzas, cookies, chips, and even a chocolate cake. In each one, the children were playing video games and never noticed him. The ones they loved the best had dwarves, elves, fairies, and knights, but no coblynau.
Back at his cave, Ogof thought over what he’d seen. So many of the games had fairy tale creatures who were also thriving in this world. Except coblynau.
“The secret must be those video games,” he thought. “What I need is a coblyn game. But I don’t know anything about them.”
Next morning when he showed up for his shift at the mine, Ogof’s mood was worse than ever. He grumbled and growled as he clawed coal from the dirt, threatening anyone who came near him.
Finally, one of the dwarfs had had enough.
“You’re worse than I am,” said Grumpy. “Even Dopey’s noticed.”
He had never been much of a talker, but this time Ogof told him about being the last coblyn and what he had seen last night.
“Dwarfs are in those games, so how do coblynau get into one?” he asked.
“I know an elf who can help,” said Grumpy. “Ellyllon lives in the grove outside of Rhosllannerchrugog.”
Ogof found the elf late that night, sitting in a pool of moonlight and swatting away some sprites who were bothering him.
“Grumpy sent me,” he said, and told Ellyllon (“call me Elly”) his story.
“So, you want a coblyn video game?” said Elly.
“Yes – with big, terrifying coblynau, the way we used to be, with fangs, scales, red eyes, and lots of guns.”
“The world is diminished whenever a folk creature is lost,” said Elly. “I know who can help.”
Elly arranged a meeting with Ogof and Prof. Caswallawn Cadigan III from the Folklore Dept. and Prof. Elias Owen from the Computer Science Dept. at the University of LlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliOgofogoch. They met under Ogof’s cave, on the glass-strewn rocks.
When it was over, the two professors agreed to oversee the production of a new video game: “Coblyn the Destroyer.” It had everything Ogof wanted, and even some flamethrowers and hand grenades. The profits would keep him in pizzas and cake for the rest of his life, with bonus cookies if he went on tour to promote it.
Ogof couldn’t wait for the game to come out. His life went on as usual, working in the mines, drinking elfwater, and throwing bottles at squirrels, with the occasional trip to the village to steal pizzas.
Finally, the game was released. “Coblyn” was a big hit. It had fairies, sprites, unicorns, and lots of corbanau. The children got to pick an extra-nice character and wander around the Rainbow Kingdom with a coblyn and find magic candy to feed baby coblynau who popped up from rocks. Little children loved to play it and they all knew the difference between good coblynau and evil goblins.
Ogof hated it, but he loved the pizzas that he was getting.
One day, something unexpected happened on his way to the mine. A rock turned over, and to Ogof’s astonishment, a baby coblyn popped up, all fangs and noise. It was the first coblyn baby in nearly 200 years. He did not know what to do with it, so he took her home and fed her pizza and cake.
As more young children played the game, more of them began to believe in coblynau. As more believed, more baby coblynau arrived, enough for a small colony.
The sequel to “Coblyn” was “Return of the Coblynau,” and it was even more popular.
Finally, it happened. The Disney Conglomerate bought the rights to “Coblyn” and made a movie (“Coblyn Princess”) and more video games (“Coblyn Castle,” “Rescue of the Coblyn Princess,” and “Coblyn Mommy”). In payment, Disney bought the coal mine and turned it into a combination home for coblynau and theme park, with the world’s longest roller coaster ride running through it.
It was a happy ending for Ogof and the coblynau after all. The Disney Conglomerate received all the credit for rescuing the coblynau from extinction and the coblynau got all the pizza they needed.
There was even a regular shipment of elfwater and Squirrel Surprise for Ogof to remind him of the old days. He preferred the pizza.
* * * * *
THE LAST OF THE COBLYNAU
Ogof was sitting around, drinking too much elfwater beer and throwing the empty bottles out of the entrance to his cave, hoping to hit a squirrel. He loved fresh Squirrel Surprise for dinner. He heard the bottle shatter on the rocks and knew it would be stale bread and cheese rinds again.
Being a coblyn was hard, but being the last one was worse.
Ogof was the last native Welsh goblin. All the others had slowly disappeared, dying over time. No one read their stories anymore and they had become forgotten. As imagined creatures, this had been killing off the coblynau, because new babies couldn’t hatch under rocks without someone to believe in them.
Finally, only a few old academics remembered them.[1] These days, if anyone saw Ogof in the woods, they thought he was one of those weak English goblins, the worst insult possible for coblynau.
“Why couldn’t we be like elves or fairies?” he grumbled. “Everyone loves them. Even a dwarf would’ve been better. If we’d called ourselves sprites, we’d still be here.”[2]
This ignored the green scaly skin, red eyes, long fangs, claws, and the club tail. And then there was the odor -- no one willingly got downwind from a coblyn.
Still, every imaginative creature knew that the key to survival was marketing. Cute was great, but the right agent was better; coblynau lacked both.
Years ago, dwarfs had hired Disney; although they still had to work in the coal mines alongside Ogof, they got to use tools and sing songs, with time off for movie appearances. He had to dig the coal with his clawed hands and if he ever tried to sing, the other miners would throw rocks at him until he stopped.
“Missed again,” thought Ogof, as his last bottle crashed on the rocks below his cave.
As he gnawed on a moldy cheese rind, he knew what he had to do: raid the village.
“I haven’t had fun in a long time,” he thought. “It’s been work, work, work – and what do I get for it? Weak elf beer and bad cheese. If I’m the last coblyn, I might as well act like it.”
It was nighttime, and Bwlchgwyn was only a couple of miles away, on the other side of the woods. Its peaceful inhabitants thought the Great Coblyn Raid of 1677 was just a quaint story, but Ogof knew the truth. Coblynau had never forgotten something that fun.
A single coblyn could not match the destructiveness of 1677, but Ogof would make sure the locals never forgot coblynau again. His fangs were dripping in excitement.
He crept around the village, scaring all the animals, until he found a house and heard voices through an open window. Better still, there was an old chair under it, making it easy to get in.
“Not young anymore,” he thought as he quietly climbed in. He’d heard that humans were tasty, although he had never met anyone who had actually eaten one.
Once inside, he smelled something glorious and clearly better than Squirrel Surprise. Ogof followed the scent to the kitchen, and there, on the table, was the source: it was round, red, and topped with melted cheese and who knew what else. It was unlike anything he had ever eaten.
“If only it were crunchy,” he thought.
From the doorway, he could see another room, with a smorgasbord of children gathered around a screen.
“I’ve heard that the small ones are soft and crunchy,” thought Ogof.
The children were seated in front of some screen and they controlled the action from some other device. Things were exploding and guns were firing with all kinds of loud noises. Ogof was transfixed. He watched them from the kitchen as he rummaged around for more food. Nothing was as good as the red circle.
When the screen went blank and the children left, Ogof climbed back out the window.
“It would be rude to eat them,” he thought. “I wonder what’s in the other houses?”
The next house was even better. There was no round circle, but there were children playing in front of a screen. This one had trolls and elves battling with swords and arrows, and he heard some of the children cheering for the trolls.
Ogof broke into eight houses that night. He didn’t eat anyone, but he ate what the children called pizzas, cookies, chips, and even a chocolate cake. In each one, the children were playing video games and never noticed him. The ones they loved the best had dwarves, elves, fairies, and knights, but no coblynau.
Back at his cave, Ogof thought over what he’d seen. So many of the games had fairy tale creatures who were also thriving in this world. Except coblynau.
“The secret must be those video games,” he thought. “What I need is a coblyn game. But I don’t know anything about them.”
Next morning when he showed up for his shift at the mine, Ogof’s mood was worse than ever. He grumbled and growled as he clawed coal from the dirt, threatening anyone who came near him.
Finally, one of the dwarfs had had enough.
“You’re worse than I am,” said Grumpy. “Even Dopey’s noticed.”
He had never been much of a talker, but this time Ogof told him about being the last coblyn and what he had seen last night.
“Dwarfs are in those games, so how do coblynau get into one?” he asked.
“I know an elf who can help,” said Grumpy. “Ellyllon lives in the grove outside of Rhosllannerchrugog.”
Ogof found the elf late that night, sitting in a pool of moonlight and swatting away some sprites who were bothering him.
“Grumpy sent me,” he said, and told Ellyllon (“call me Elly”) his story.
“So, you want a coblyn video game?” said Elly.
“Yes – with big, terrifying coblynau, the way we used to be, with fangs, scales, red eyes, and lots of guns.”
“The world is diminished whenever a folk creature is lost,” said Elly. “I know who can help.”
Elly arranged a meeting with Ogof and Prof. Caswallawn Cadigan III from the Folklore Dept. and Prof. Elias Owen from the Computer Science Dept. at the University of LlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliOgofogoch. They met under Ogof’s cave, on the glass-strewn rocks.
When it was over, the two professors agreed to oversee the production of a new video game: “Coblyn the Destroyer.” It had everything Ogof wanted, and even some flamethrowers and hand grenades. The profits would keep him in pizzas and cake for the rest of his life, with bonus cookies if he went on tour to promote it.
Ogof couldn’t wait for the game to come out. His life went on as usual, working in the mines, drinking elfwater, and throwing bottles at squirrels, with the occasional trip to the village to steal pizzas.
Finally, the game was released. “Coblyn” was a big hit. It had fairies, sprites, unicorns, and lots of corbanau. The children got to pick an extra-nice character and wander around the Rainbow Kingdom with a coblyn and find magic candy to feed baby coblynau who popped up from rocks. Little children loved to play it and they all knew the difference between good coblynau and evil goblins.
Ogof hated it, but he loved the pizzas that he was getting.
One day, something unexpected happened on his way to the mine. A rock turned over, and to Ogof’s astonishment, a baby coblyn popped up, all fangs and noise. It was the first coblyn baby in nearly 200 years. He did not know what to do with it, so he took her home and fed her pizza and cake.
As more young children played the game, more of them began to believe in coblynau. As more believed, more baby coblynau arrived, enough for a small colony.
The sequel to “Coblyn” was “Return of the Coblynau,” and it was even more popular.
Finally, it happened. The Disney Conglomerate bought the rights to “Coblyn” and made a movie (“Coblyn Princess”) and more video games (“Coblyn Castle,” “Rescue of the Coblyn Princess,” and “Coblyn Mommy”). In payment, Disney bought the coal mine and turned it into a combination home for coblynau and theme park, with the world’s longest roller coaster ride running through it.
It was a happy ending for Ogof and the coblynau after all. The Disney Conglomerate received all the credit for rescuing the coblynau from extinction and the coblynau got all the pizza they needed.
There was even a regular shipment of elfwater and Squirrel Surprise for Ogof to remind him of the old days. He preferred the pizza.
* * * * *
[1] The last reference to “coblynau” in print is a footnote in a thesis by Caswallawn Cadigan at the University of LlanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliOgofogoch: “There is no evidence that coblynau ever existed. The idea that “coblyn” is a drunken Welsh mispronunciation of “cobbler” (dessert, not shoe repair) is undoubtedly correct.” Cadigan, C.: “The Pie in History,” footnote 307, Rejected Doctoral Dissertation (1947).
[2] Coblynau dialect is even harder to understand than Scots and is easier to decipher after four or five beers. All translations are at best an approximation.
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no subject
Date: 2020-05-21 07:04 pm (UTC)It's not like having "Naidh" be pronounced "Neve," or "Saoirse" be pronounced "Sershuh" or some of the other things Gaelic gets up to. :O