rayaso | Week 17: "Scare Quotes"

Week 17: "Scare Quotes"

THE GRAMMAR POLICE

June 15, 12:15 p.m. Detective Stephen White of the Internet Grammar Police was about to give the most important press conference of his career. He had received a threat from a grammar terrorist and in less than twelve hours, the quotation mark might vanish forever. Detective Molly Strunk, his partner, had rightly pointed out that people might notice.

Everyone knows the Internet Grammar Police, but few people like them. The IGP is charged with maintaining the English language on the Internet. Unprintable nitpickers to most, heroes to a few, the IGP looked for grammatical errors in web postings, corrected writers, levied fines, and referred the worst offenders for prosecution and incarceration in the Grammar Jail.

There were hordes of grammar vigilantes, mostly internet trolls, but Steve and Molly were the only sworn members of the IGP. Disputes about grammar raged freely over the Internet and were part of the fun. However, too many people reacted badly even to minor corrections. “If you get cited because you don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ or ‘its’ and ‘it’s,’” thought Detective White, “don’t whine about it and call us ‘grammar police.’ We know who we are, for god’s sake, and we’re proud of it!”

Since the IGP was unpopular, press conferences were usually contentious, which made Detective White nervous. As he approached the podium, he noticed Stanley Barnacle, a new reporter for the blog Grammar Wrap-Up. Stan was the only one attending in person. All the others were Skyping, including the Big Three: Grammar Today, Issues in English, and the gray lady of internet grammar blogging, Grammar!

The Skyping table was jammed with computer screens, which glowed as Detective White spoke: “I am going to read a statement, but due to the nature of recent events, there will be no questions.”

"The IGP received an e-threat this morning from an unknown grammar terrorist who promised to unleash a computer virus at 12:01 a.m. on June 16 which will permanently eliminate quotation marks from all current and future electronic material, including the Internet. The terrorist has made no demands, only stating “Catch me if you can.” We urge everyone to stay calm. Thank you."

As Detective White walked away from the podium, he heard Stan shout “What are you hiding? Why is he waiting until June 16 to unleash the Joyce Virus? What should the public do?”

“Uh oh, trouble,” thought Detective Strunk as she stepped up to the microphone, “someone leaked the name of the virus.”

“Detective White said no questions. We’ll keep the press informed.”

White appreciated Molly holding Stan off. Time was too critical to spend it babysitting the press, and they didn't want to give the "Joyce Virus" lunatic a platform for whatever he was thinking. They hoped to receive the usual manifesto soon, which might give them some clues. There was almost nothing to work with, and no way to protect the quotation mark.

June 15, 12:25 p.m. The detectives walked downstairs to the IGP office. The walls were gray, except for those painted brown, and the ceiling tiles sagged. Two metal desks were jammed into the room along with a filing cabinet missing a drawer. The only functioning computer piggybacked onto Parking Enforcement’s network upstairs.

Detective Strunk was puzzled. Threats against the IGP were routine, but no one had targeted a punctuation mark before, and if the quotation mark could fall, was every punctuation mark vulnerable, even the period? The possibility of stream of consciousness writing was frightening.

“We need a plan,” admitted Steve.

“We need a miracle,” corrected Molly.

June 15, 2:10 p.m. Several cups of coffee later, the detectives still had neither a plan nor a miracle. It looked as if the quotation mark were doomed. They would miss it.

“There has to be a reason we’re involved in this,” Steve mused. “Our jurisdiction is English grammar violations on the Internet and the terrorist is targeting the quotation mark, not IGP.”

“But quotation marks are pretty simple,” responded Molly, “and most citations are for failure to observe secondary punctuation rules, like whether the period goes inside or outside the last quotation mark.”

“So we know the motive involves the quotation mark itself and not the IGP.”

“Don’t forget James Joyce, since the terrorist called it the Joyce Virus, plus there’s something special about June 16th, since he picked it,” added Molly. “It’s time to hit the Internet.”

June 15, 8:00 p.m. The Internet was vast, IGP’s old computer was slow, and they were running out of time, but after too many hours, the frazzled detectives had their miracle, if only a tiny one. There was something special about the date. Tomorrow, Condensed Classics Publishing was issuing an improved edition of Joyce’s Finnegans Wake, with over 9,000 corrections to make it “easy to read for everyone!” One of the improvements added quotation marks in a novel famous for being written without them.

“Can’t be a coincidence,” said Molly.

“We have a motive,” added Steve. “Now we need a suspect.”

“And more coffee.”

They both needed refueling, and more time. The Joyce Virus was set to go off in only four more hours. Caffeine, adrenaline and lack of sleep were a potent mix; all they lacked was sugar, and a few stale doughnuts took care of that.

Properly stimulated, Molly had an idea. “This guy wants to be stopped, or else he’d just do it, and why attack all quotation marks instead of just that book? Now he’s got the attention of the Grammar Police, and no sane person wants that.”

“How many people have actually read Finnegans Wake?” wondered Steve.

“. . . and loved it? It can’t be that many. Check the Joyce blogs, and correlate them with Condensed Classics.”

June 15, 9:47 p.m. The computer ground slowly through the searches. The quotation mark looked like it was headed for the punctuation graveyard, to rest alongside the manicule, the pilcrow, and the percontation mark.

Suddenly, Molly whooped. “Found the bastard! Here’s a site called The Other Side of Joyce and the blogger says he’s a descendant of Joyce’s wife, Nora; the guy’s been crusading against that damned book for over a year. You’ll never believe this – it's Stanley Barnacle! Nora Joyce’s maiden name was Barnacle!”

Steve was stunned. “That new reporter for Grammar Wrap-Up? No wonder he knew the name of the virus! There wasn’t a leak and we never released it.”

It finally made sense. Stan was one of Joyce’s truest believers and any attempt to change Finnegans Wake, especially by adding quotation marks, would have to be stopped, preferably in a way that would revive interest in Joyce's books.

IGP arrest warrants were low priority and it was going to take time to get one at this late hour—time they didn’t have. The detectives rushed out to find a friendly district attorney and a judge who worked late, both scarce in this town.

June 15, 11:57 p.m. Stan lived in the office of Grammar Wrap-Up close to City Hall, and they had to get there now! Detective White had dreamed of an arrest like this ever since Grammar Academy: speeding car, lights flashing, siren wailing, gun out, kicking in the door, “hands where I can see them,” a last-minute attempt to free the hostage. He got it all, except the hostage was a punctuation mark and Grammar Police didn’t have guns.

Detective Strunk got to Stan just before he could press the “send” button on his computer, saving quotation marks for future generations.

June 16, 2:07 a.m. It took hours to process the crime scene, but Molly and Steve didn’t mind. Stan watched them work, not saying a word until they led him to the squad car. “I had nothing personal against the quotation mark, but I had to stop Condensed Classics. If readers wanted that abomination, then they were going to lose their quotation marks. Simple as that.”

Steve thought Molly summed it up best: “What a nutbag! Damn, I need some sleep.”

Just Desserts. Stanley Barnacle pled guilty to felony threat against punctuation, and he was sentenced to ten years in Grammar Jail. The courts shut down the “improved” Finnegans Wake under the literary obscenity statutes. Sales of Finnegans Wake declined at a slower rate, thanks to the publicity.

Steve and Molly continued to be mocked and their efforts largely ignored by the growing hordes of uncaring internet denizens.

* * * * *

I took a liberty with Finnegans Wake. Joyce did not completely omit quotation markings. Finnegans Wake is experimental, including the punctuation. Joyce sometimes used "inverted commas" (apostrophes) in place of quotation marks, and at times omitted "inverted commas" where quotation marks might ordinarily be expected to appear.

In 2012, Penguin Classics published The Restored Finnegans Wake, with “some 9000 minor yet crucial corrections and amendments, covering punctuation marks, font choice, spacing, misspellings, misplaced phrases and ruptured syntax.” http://www.penguinclassics.co.uk/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780141192291,00.html?The_Restored_Finnegans_Wake_James_Joyce
The Restored Finnegans Wake substituted standard quotation marks for “inverted commas,” it did not otherwise add quotation marks where none previously existed; that particular piece of mischief was my idea and I do not want to confuse anyone familiar with or curious about The Restored Finnegans Wake.

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Heh. Cleverly done! I LOL-ed at this - the gray lady of internet grammar blogging, Grammar. And really appreciated, on several levels, your use of "improved" as a scare quote.

This was a complicated bit of writing.

Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. By sheer coincidence, while I was writing about grammar police,

halfshellvenus was writing about different grammar enforcers. I wonder what would result if we combined the two?

I wondered about the coincidence. Thought perhaps one or the other of you was practicing a form of sleep hypnosis. There are so few really great writing collaborations - I think you two should accept this challenge! Like that male/female artist team who tied themselves to one another for 72 gazillion days....do it like that!

I really think both or your styles would complement one another and I seriously do think you should undertake a co-write!

Tied up to

halfshellvenus? Hmmmm . . . interesting. But I don't know if we would co-write.

I knew you'd find a way to combine the Grammar Police with the Joyce Virus concept. It was a challenge, but you pulled it off! And the "Just Desserts" section was a perfect way to finish this. :D

"Ideas are easy, writing is hard." I'm glad you liked the "Just Desserts" part. I wanted to include something about what happened after the case was solved.

Excuse me as I giggle over the Strunk and White reference.

This amused me all throughout; good job. :D

Thank you. I'm glad you got Strunk & White. I thought those would be good names for grammar police.

i read "joyce virus" and "june 16" and went OH MY GOD, BLOOMSDAY. and then there was i-get-that-reference! squee. :D so molly (bloom) and steve (dedalus) were a nifty extra layer of clever on top of strunk and white. (because OF COURSE the grammar police are detectives strunk and white. i really liked that.) also the idea of literal grammar police makes me giggle, as does the idea of grammar jail and a grammar press. just really well-done all around.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and the Joyce references. There was one more: "Stanley" was named after Stanislaus Joyce, James's younger brother, who had the literary good sense to die on June 16 (Bloomsday), 1955. I know these references were obscure and probably pedantic, but I didn't think they would harm the story and I couldn't resist. Strunk and White were named after William Strunk, Jr. and E. B. White, authors of Elements of Style, which would be on the bookshelf of any proper grammar police detective.

Oh! wow....can see the hard work you put in...truly "creative"...absolutely marvelous plot!..Enjoyed reading it...I know whom to turn when someone says humor..:)..Good job once again..Kudos! Hats Off..

Humor? I only write tales of gritty realism about tortured souls. No humor here. I'll have to re-read it -- wait -- damn, I can see the confusion. This is a darkly ironic tale about the absurdity and futility of human existence, and your comment was ironic in return. Brilliant! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

LOL..:P

There were hordes of grammar vigilantes, mostly internet trolls, but Steve and Molly were the only sworn members of the IGP.

You know, us vigilantes, many of us united under the banner "Chicago Manual of Don't Be a Dumbass" wouldn't have to be here if Strunk and White did their damned jobs and cracked down on the inappropriate use of apostrophes. Because they're out there, and they're going unpunished.

Maybe the IGP just doesn't quite grasp how much it provoke's insanity and violence.

(This story--as well as all the little Easter Eggs pointed out in the other comments--was such a blast to read.)

The Chicago Manual of Style -- I forgot about that! I should have set this in Chicago, although perhaps that would be one reference too many and brought the whole thing crashing down.

Strunk & White are busy enough with noun-verb disagreements, past/present tense issues, and the general WTF are you trying to say? The IGP is woefully understaffed and funding is non-existent. The IGP agrees that apostrophes are a major issue, and will allocate more resources. Just remember, violence doesn't solve anything!

Thats wear your wrong!!1!

Ha! Excellent. I would be a Grammar Police Officer

I'm glad you liked it. I'll send you a recruiter brochure for the IGP, but there are some strict requirements: Grammar School, Grammar Academy, and your own computer.

I must look up the Penguin Classics version. I love their editions of Old Dusty Tomes anyway (decent footnotes and endnotes! Love!) so that will be my go-to for anything Joyce. He is one of the few authors who makes me give up in despair.

And yes, I am showing off my Grammar Nazi icon. It's pretty and animated.

I like Penguin as well. I read Finnegans Wake years ago. I did not love it. I admire it, and Joyce for writing it, but it is simply too inaccessible for me. There seems to be an endless supply of books explaining every word, and if a novel needs this kind of apparatus, it is too much. I may read it again, after I climb Mt. Everest.

I love pulp detective stories and this was fun I especially loved "it was headed for the punctuation graveyard, to rest alongside the manicule, the pilcrow, and the percontation mark."

I'm glad you liked it! I had to google "obsolete punctuation marks" to come up with those. I have enough trouble with current punctuation to worry about the manicule and its friends.

Oh, thank god. I thought maybe I was the only idiot who didn't know what those were before I read this! :)

I loved this. If the Internet Grammar Police existed in real life, I'd be a member.

It would be fun, wouldn't it? Thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I knew this was going to be a fun ride when I saw Strunk and White (they fight crime!) were on the case. Heh. Well done!

Thank you. Strunk and White are a great team, kind of the Batman and Robin of internet grammar policing.

Steve thought Molly summed it up best: “What a nutbag! Damn, I need some sleep.”

Hahahaahah.

I really cannot stand James Joyce. It amused me that sales of Finnegans Wake "declined at a slower rate, thanks to the publicity," instead of actually increasing. Also, I never knew that damn paragraph symbol had an actual name, and with all of the text-based communication we use today, I think it might be best for everyone if we reinstated the percontation mark and other things like it. Think how many Internet fights could be prevented! (Okay, people would probably just find something else to argue about on the Internet.)

I wonder how well Joyce's books, especially Finnegans Wake, sell, especially if you subtract college English classes. When I was looking at obsolete punctuation, I also thought that some of them would be useful today, especially on the Internet, but then I thought that since too many people can't handle the apostrophe, what would be the use? Thanks for reading and commenting.

A fun read. Plus I learned something following rabbit holes regarding punctuation marks that are no longer used.

You can see why some of them became obsolete. I found it a fun rabbit hole. Thanks for reading.

This was very fun! And of course it was "Strunk & White"! :)

Strunk and White was the only thing that came to mind. Their destiny was to be reincarnated as grammar police. I'm glad you enjoyed this. Thanks for reading.

This made me laugh and laugh - so many clever in-jokes, and so many laugh out loud lines!

"Several cups of coffee later, the detectives still had neither a plan nor a miracle." and "Sales of Finnegans Wake declined at a slower rate," I totally snarfed.

Very smart and very funny!

I'm glad you enjoyed this. I hoped the various references didn't get in the way of the story for all the readers, who, mercifully, are unburdened with Joyce minutiae. I think that slowing the decline of Finnegans Wake sales is the best any grammar terrorist will achieve. This is the reason there are so few Joyce-based attacks on punctuation. No one gives a damn about either one, except perhaps

i_17bingo, the Guardian of the Apostrophe.

Fucking apostrophes.

Use. Them. Correctly, dammit!

So great! And thanks for reminding me about my favorite part of "Square One TV," "Mathnet!" This would be a perfect parallel for that, if they ever got around to doing a series about English as they did for Math with Square One. And of course Weird Al Yankovic's "Word Crimes." All of which are available right now, on YouTube!

I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm going to have to check out "Mathnet!" and "Word Crimes" -- I wasn't familiar with either one.

This was so much fun!

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for commenting.

Such a fun take on the prompt not to mention brilliant to ..... missing quotation mark - grammar police - grammar jail - problem of grammar infiltration thanks to social media overuse. " However, too many people reacted badly even to minor corrections. "

" The quotation mark looked like it was headed for the punctuation graveyard, to rest alongside the manicule, the pilcrow, and the percontation mark. " - so much tension and suspense ....

Loved this

Thank you! I'm glad you liked all the different parts, and I appreciate that you took the time to comment.

Absolutely loved this! The possibility of stream of consciousness writing was frightening - that line had me laughing out loud, no joke. I <3 you.

And I love your writing as well. I'm glad I could make you laugh, especially with that particular line.

I love how this follows a Dragnet kind of pacing, and comes equipped with equivalently ridiculous clues and last minute gimmes just in time to save the day before the credits roll. I was particularly amused that that sales of Finnegan's Wake declined at a slower rate! Also, I still use the manicule and the pilcrow, though I'll admit I'd never heard of the percontation mark... I totally WOULD use it, though! (I use a lot of odd punctuation... I know a lot of them by hotkey!)

I'm glad you liked it, but I'm curious. What do you do that allows you to use the manicule and the pilcrow, and do you know of some source for old/weird/alternative punctuation marks on the keyboard? If you do, could you send me a link? Since I've seen the percontation mark [wrongly referred to as the "irony" mark, which is slightly different], it seems ripe for a comeback with hipster writing. I know, too much about arcane punctuation, but it interests me.

Oh, you're going to make me get my geek on, I see! The manicule I use in printed marketing materials, whenever I want to make sure the targeted demographic flips over to another leaf, or onto the back for further detail, more information, or a great deal, something along those lines. The pilcrow is used in editing, to represent where a paragraph should go, and it's used in most any word processing program to show you where your paragraph marks are. In MS Word, there is even a tool button identified by the mark of the pilcrow that you can select in order to turn that feature on or off. For a good way to find symbols you might not have known are actually readily available

(such as common examples in every day fonts:)

– — • ¶ ¢ £ ¼ ½ ¾ ¡ ¿ ñ ° © ® ä æ œ ç é

...look in your windows explorer for the Character Map application (charmap.exe).

Those are just a few examples of the ones I can remember by heart! (Because they're commonly used in every day writing.)

Obviously, this appeals to my inner geek, or I would never have asked. Thanks for the info! Now I have to try it out.

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Week 17: "Scare Quotes"

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