LJ Idol Season 9, Week 1

[rayaso]

ANOTHER MEETING

Meetings with God were boring. Boring boring boring. I am Satan, he thought, the Great Evil, the Adversary, and Keeper of Hell. Mentally, Satan kicked the virtual meeting table, spilling his imaginary glass of water. God stopped reading his notes and looked up, with a Grade 3 scowl on his Divine Face. Why does God insist on this stupid illusion? My agenda wants to be a paper airplane. Fly free little airplane! Right into Gabriel’s ear. Snicker.

God zapped Satan with a Class 4 thunderbolt. A Class 4 didn’t hurt, but He had to keep Order. Without Order there was Chaos, and Chaos meant Satan. Down on Earth, the jagged bolt flashed across the sky. Boom. Some children looked up, scared. No awe. No reverence. That’s what You get for creating science, thought Satan. Order requires Rules, and Rules lead to predictability and predictability leads to science, and science leads to a declining Reverence Factor. Satan knew that God knew this, but he still couldn’t figure out God’s Plan for Earth. I hate that -- All-Powerful, All-Knowing, and All-Inscrutable. And All-Petty. Not one of His better qualities. I’m second-to-last on the Agenda. Again, and forever. Just because I gave Eve that apple. Get over it.

Satan picked at his horns. Time to sharpen them. More fidgeting. First the Seraphim, then the Cherubim, Thrones, Dominions. . . . Blah blah blah. Get to me! I have real business! The Great Pit of Fire and Torment was filling up. God kept creating planets, but He never thought about the Pit. Just like Him. Finally, the agenda turned to Satan’s petition to put the overflow-damned in black holes and compress them down to nothing. A brilliant idea. Not mine – it came from Soul 11456ACZ, Nikola Tesla. Sold me his soul to be a brilliant inventor. I loved my catch. He didn’t ask for recognition. Drove him crazy. Edison, now there was a true genius. He asked me for recognition for others' inventions. What a pair! I stuck them next to each other in the Pit.

God smiled on the petition. I don’t believe it! I got everything – black holes, supermassive black holes, dark matter, everything! Just no more escapes. Physics now leads straight to Hell! God has such a sense of humor.

Then it was time for the last agenda item, the Worst Joke Contest. Every meeting ended the same. It was the most popular item. I always lose – but not this meeting. Everyone competed, and God judged:

“What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!’”

No reaction. God doesn’t like sex jokes, you idiot.

“My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.”

A frown. Religion and sex? You’ve got to be kidding!

“¿Por qué el pollo cruzó la carretera?”

Points for multi-culturalism, but it’s still a chicken and a road.

On and on it went. A joke about poor Schrodinger’s cat, a box, and revenge. In German. Too long and too obscure. “Q: How did the dead monkey cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken!” “Q: Hvordan holder du en idiot i spænding?” All losers!

My turn! My turn! “I have the Worst Joke Ever. It’s about a software engineer, a bicycle, and a monkey: ‘100111001000011111101010101011111001001!’”

A smile! I’ve won!

Class 10 thunderbolt. PAIN!

Comments

[buddyhollylover.livejournal.com]

Ha, interesting twist! I really liked the Edison and Tesla part.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Everything about this was amusing, but I do agree the Tesla/Edison commentary shone brightly!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I'll be reading your entry this evening.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

I still think this is hilarious, and I loved both the Tesla/Einstein "deals" AND the thought of them spending angry eternity next to each other in the Pit.

But the monkey stapled to the chicken's back also still cracks me up. Because it's so wrong. :D

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The Tesla/Edison part was inspired by my son, who has been on a rant about the injustices done to Tesla.

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

RIGHT?! History really is written by the victors, and some of them have questionable morals indeed.

[roina-arwen.livejournal.com]

This was funny - I also loved the Edison/Tesla bit. :)

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[i-will-not-say.livejournal.com]

This was lots of fun. My favorite part was the Tesla and Edison stuff -- that was great!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It was fun to write.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Yes to the Tesla and Edison part. Groannnnnn to the software engineer joke.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it. The binary code solved a problem. There are lots of bad jokes out there, but what is the worst joke? By using 1's and 0's, I didn't have to answer it.

[tsuki-no-bara.livejournal.com]

heee! i love the conceit of the heavenly staff meeting - and edison and tesla stuck together in hell! - but poor satan.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it. What could be worse for Tesla -- stuck for eternity in Hell next to Edison.

[snarkerdoodle.livejournal.com]

I stuck them next to each other in the Pit.

Absolutely cracked up at this one. Excellently done!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

High praise indeed. Thank you.

LJ Idol Season 9, Week 1 -- Rec List!

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User alien_writings referenced to your post from LJ Idol Season 9, Week 1 -- Rec List! (http://alien-writings.livejournal.com/112545.html) saying: [...] - http://rayaso.livejournal.com/1145.html [...]

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[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User halfshellvenus referenced to your post from No title (http://halfshellvenus.livejournal.com/625060.html) saying: [...] completely new to LJ, so his entry isn't getting quite the attention or votes it should. It's here [...]

[kshandra]

Yeah, you "won" all right...

[kshandra]

...but how sad am I that I just checked to see if the binary actually decoded?

[matchboximpala.livejournal.com]

I did, too!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

If you're God, what better way to respond to a joke in binary code?

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I screwed this up. I'm new at this, so please be patient. This reply was intended for ecosopher. I meant to thank you for your comment, and explain that I imagine that Satan has received many thunderbolts, and worse, over the years. My apologies.

[ecosopher.livejournal.com]

Wow. I guess he overstepped a boundary there! Haha. Liked this a lot.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

A bored Satan knows no boundaries. Thank you for reading it.

[lawchicky.livejournal.com]

Loved your concept for this!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. The idea came to me while on a boring walk. I wondered what Satan would do if he were bored.

[adoptedwriter.livejournal.com]

Welcome to the game! Great first entry! AW

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. We'll see how long I last.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! This is FANTASTIC! This Satan picked at his horns. Time to sharpen them. made me LOL. Well done!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! That particular part was actually a last-minute addition.

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

"Points for multi-culturalism, but it’s still a chicken and a road."

Loved that!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it. A bad joke is a bad joke, no matter what the language.

[kajel.livejournal.com]

This was fabulous!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

You are very kind. Thank you.

[lrig-rorrim.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed this! And God is just the sort to have strict hierarchical classifications of EVERYTHING from scowls to thunderbolts, isn't He? Heh.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you! It was hierarchical God v. ADHD Satan.

[kandigurl.livejournal.com]

I like how you've merged God and science into one in the same. I will never understand why some religious folks will fight against science instead of embracing it as part of the God they care about so much.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you for catching this. If you believe in an omnipotent, omniscience God who is the ultimate creator, this does include science. Why not view science as one of God's beautiful creations?

[beautyofgrey.livejournal.com]

This was loads of fun (and I secretly love the last joke!)

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It was inspired by my wife, who is a software engineer and loves to cycle. I threw in the monkey for fun.

[matchboximpala.livejournal.com]

Very amusing, and well written.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading it.

[cheshire23.livejournal.com]

This was a great concept. :)

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Very kind of you.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I wish it meant something, but it was random 1's and 0's. I know nothing about programming or computers. Just enough to be frustrated by them. I have not fully embraced the computer age. It's the Luddite in me.