rayaso | Ferhoodle

Week 3
Topic: Ferhoodle

Please note that I am going to be out of internet contact for the next several days, so I will be a little late on thanking people who have been kind enough to comment, as well as reading everyone's entries, although I hope to read as many as possible. Thank you for understanding.

OODLES OF FERHOODLES?

It had started with Dr. Frankenstein—the desire to re-animate the dead, to stitch together various parts to create something new, to advance science, perhaps into areas man was not meant to explore. There were many bumps along the way, but none as odd as the ferhoodle. Part ferret, part poodle, it was a mixture of animals that many found to be an abomination, but that a few described as “kind of cute.”

No one would have considered Ralph Goodson to be a revolutionary, and yet it was Ralph who created the ferhoodle. As Ralph so eloquently said when accepting the prestigious Petco™ 2017 Pet Science Award, “It was pretty much a mistake – but hey, who knew?”

Ralph's award was controversial because of the part beer played in the creation of the ferhoodle, but before the accolades, before the alcohol, there had been Ralph Goodson, hard-working scientist.

Ralph had barely managed to graduate in 2014 from Virginia Tech with a biology major, which, because of Ralph’s fondness for Hokies football, beer hats, and sleeping late, had prepared him for absolutely nothing. Fortunately, one of his fraternity bros had found him a job as an intern (“Hey dude, thanks man!”) at Molecular Technologies, Inc., the home of his future greatness.

During its heyday, MTI had prided itself on unleashing the creativity of its scientists and engineers using a collaborative “spitball” design to come up with new products. The approach featured a “just try it” model which had been widely studied in business schools, including a USC Business Journal article (“Don’t Try This: When Failure Is Just Failure”) and a Wharton Business School symposium on “Business Models of Death.”

Before its bankruptcy, MTI had produced such notable products as Flip It!, the self-flipping pancake turner, and the drug Glutfrei, which had been designed to cure gluten intolerance, but it had the unfortunate side effect of causing lactose intolerance. Its advertising slogan (“At least you can eat bread again!”) had received significant coverage in trade periodicals (“Worst Ad Campaigns of 2013” – Weekly Ad Review and “Let Them Eat Bread - Really?” – Journal of Advertising).

MTI emphasized a very relaxed work environment, and Ralph fit right in as a part-time, all-purpose intern in the biology research section (or “beer boy,” as he was known, for his hydration management duties).

After several years, Ralph was hired as a beginning research assistant on the Ferret Project, which involved altering the DNA of ferrets to cause them to grow certain human body parts for medical transplant patients.

While reputable researchers were using rats as test subjects, Bill Howard, the marketing director, testified before the SEC that ferrets made better animal hosts. “They’re so much cuter than rats,” Mr. Howard explained, “I mean, who wants a heart valve from a rat?”

Ralph’s big breakthrough came on March 21, 2017, following a visit to the DNA lab by Mr. Howard, who brought along Hoodle the Poodle, his pet poodle and constant companion. After lunch, Ralph (who was allegedly ‘properly hydrated'), said to no one in particular, “Dude, what if we combined a poodle with a ferret? I mean, how weird would that be?”

Since Ralph’s idea was no less reasonable than other MTI projects, he was encouraged to run with it, provided someone reviewed the ethical issues sometime or another.

Ralph concentrated all his resources on Project Hoodle (as it was known for lack of a better title). Someone else discovered that ferret DNA and poodle DNA were probably not incompatible and extracted some ferret DNA and poodle stem cells, which Ralph had someone use to impregnate some poor poodle.

The poodle’s pregnancy was monitored for signs of rejection, and after nine weeks, the new creature was born, to the amazement of absolutely everyone. Ralph called it a “ferhoodle” to honor the inspiration for his idea and named it Puff.

Puff the Ferhoodle looked like a ferret in front and a poodle in back, especially with a poodle cut. The tiny ferret front legs made running an adventure. He had mixed ferret and poodle behaviors, including the ferret’s endearing clumsiness and thievery, compounded by a poodle’s hyperactivity, overexcited barking, and fondness for chewing on everything. Puff needed frequent walks, since housebreaking proved difficult. The ferhoodle, as Ralph regularly had to explain, was not designed for intelligence.

Ralph knew that the ferhoodle might be an interesting pet for someone, but he kept Puff at MTI rather than his home “for scientific reasons.” Puff was quickly passed from employee to employee to share the full ferhoodle experience. “No, it’s your turn,” many a happy employee shouted.

Not everyone was pleased with the ferhoodle. The scientific and religious communities both opposed the new creature. Fervor Monthly asked “Is Ralph Goodson the New God?” on its cover, while Apocalypse Now! urged its readers to storm MTI headquarters with torches and pitchforks.

Mainstream scientists had their own concerns. Did the ferhoodle belong with canis lupus or with mustela putorius furo, or with something entirely new, perhaps ralphus ferhoodleness hybridicas? What would be the ecological implications of introducing such a hybrid species? Should scientists be creating new life forms? Could it be patented? The questions were endless.

There were also important social issues. After Puff was featured on the cover of Celebrity Pets (“Your Own Build-A-Pet!”), pet owners were no longer satisfied with run-of-the-mill dogs or cats. People clamored for new, individual pets that expressed their unique identities, social standing, and wealth, since hybrid pets would not come cheaply.

Commercialism raised its ugly head, as MTI positioned itself to meet this new demand for designer pets. People wanted flying cats, hot weather penguins for their pools, and any manner of “improvements.” Despite the fact that Ralph was not sure if any of this was possible, MTI started accepting orders with hefty down payments and fanciful due dates. MTI stock soared.

The pressure was intense on Ralph to duplicate his breakthrough and begin filling orders, but no matter how much beer he consumed, this proved difficult. “Genius cannot be rushed,” advised Mr. Howard, but Ralph was not a genius and investors were getting restless.

The SEC later found that Ralph’s scientific recordkeeping was “nonexistent beyond belief.” Ralph defended himself by testifying that “I was kinda an idea sorta guy, and the other dudes took care of the science stuff.”

It was soon obvious that the ferhoodle was a fluke. When customers demanded refunds, it was discovered that for years MTI had operated on a negative profit generation model, relying on new investors to fund operations. In a rare interview from her Dubai vacation compound, former CEO Jennifer Carmen said “Ponzi scheme? Don’t you think that’s a little harsh?”

The SEC did not agree, and shut MTI down.

MTI was ruined because it ignored the laws of man, while Dr. Frankenstein had violated the laws of nature before his monster destroyed him. Ralph’s transgression was only a beer-fueled science experiment, but even so, Ralph was not spared all punishment.

While Ralph was cleared of any personal wrongdoing by the SEC, finding future employment proved difficult. When last sighted, Ralph and Puff were crashing on a couch at his old fraternity, where Puff was a babe magnet at the fraternity’s “meet the ferhoodle” parties.

Ralph was happily re-united with his old beer hat, and the laws of nature were restored, until the next time someone mixed science with alcohol.

* * * * *