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Out of the Labyrinth
Jun. 7th, 2014 07:11 amSeason 9, Topic 11
“Recency Bias”
There is far more to Hell than the Guidebooks tell you. Sure, there are the flashy Nine Circles, but those are for the souls being tortured with unquenchable fire for all eternity. Buried underneath Limbo, Lust, and Gluttony; below Greed, Anger, and Heresy; deeper even than Violence, Fraud, and Treachery, at the end of a bleak, twisting corridor filled with smoke and flames is a door, marked only with a plain sign: “Administration.”
Those of us who work here call it the 10th Circle. Hell doesn't run itself, you know; this is where the real work gets done. Satan may damn you, but you aren't in Hell until you've seen Administration. We are the lowest of the low, devil-wise; even Dagon, Satan’s pastry chef, outranks us. Still, it’s not a bad place to work and we’re a pretty good crew.
There is another area of Hell so horrendous it doesn't have a name. You reach it through an unmarked opening near New Arrivals, which leads to a labyrinth of unimaginable complexity. Few have ever returned – it’s the lair of the fictional demons. Cthulhu lives here.
Cthulhu is one of the fictionals, written by H. P. Lovecraft in 1928 and retired to the labyrinth in 1937, when Lovecraft died. The dreaded Cthulhu was huge, with a head that looked like octopus tentacles, the scaly body of a dragon, human-looking arms and legs with large claws, and (let’s be honest) silly wings. Cthulhu embodied monstrous, destructive evil on Earth; down here, without Lovecraft, he’s been a pussycat.
Cthulhu has one big problem – he wants back. They all do, of course, but the labyrinth usually takes care of that; wandering through mysterious dark passages for eternity usually wears them down. Cthulhu hasn't been in there that long, so he still yearns for the glory days.
I talk with Cthulhu from time to time over the intercom. I make sure he gets enough sleep, eats his sacrifices, and doesn't fight with the others. We try to be nice to the fictionals; I mean, it’s not like they sinned by choice -- I blame their writers for creating them demonic.
Anyway, Cthulhu hopes if he can unleash sufficient evil on Earth, Satan will free him from the labyrinth. It’s sad, really; Cthulhu walks around aimlessly, plotting and planning, then he tells me his latest scheme. As a favor, I make suggestions, write it on a Form 336-A/2, and give it to my boss, who routes it up through Administration.
Cthulhu thinks big. He started with apocalypses, but gradually scaled down to pestilences, wars, and global economic collapses. I kept telling him, think small – the biblical stuff is for the Big Guy. Cthulhu’s latest plan, however, might just do the trick – it’s small, with a targeted group of under-represented sinners: stockbrokers.
Cthulhu’s name for his latest proposal is “Recency Bias 2,” and I have to admit, I was impressed – it has Greed, Fraud, and Treachery, and it recycles an oldie. If it succeeds, it could trap a lot of souls, and the Boss is always hungry for new recruits. Cthulhu never impressed me as being all that smart, more of a death and destruction demon, but Recency Bias 2, like most great evil, has some subtly.
Ever read a stock prospectus? In tiny print at the bottom, it will warn you that “past performance does not guarantee future results.” That’s obvious, you think. But what if you didn't believe it? Cthulhu’s plan would restore the illusion that recent economic gains will always continue in the future. He says it's “recency bias” – see what I mean about smart? It worked big time in the Roaring Twenties, when everyone thought that stock prices would go up forever simply because they were increasing now. What a joke! We processed a lot of souls during the Crash. As a result, Upstairs came down hard on recency bias, patching it up with some common sense.
Not even God’s patches last forever, and this one is starting to come off. Cthulhu wants Satan to start an aggressive recruiting program with stockbrokers. In exchange for their souls, stockbrokers could take advantage of the recency bias now, before the patch blows and everyone can exploit it; it’s just a little insider trading. After the Crash, the Almighty didn’t mind us catching the bankers; it was all those little guys that bothered Him. The twist is, under Cthulhu’s proposal, Satan would reap only the stockbrokers – for now; even God has trouble loving those weasels.
If Satan does release Cthulhu from the labyrinth, he’ll need a new author; after all, he’ll still be fictional. There are plenty of writers, some even talented, who would trade their souls to create Cthulhu sequels. With e-books, he might even go marauding over the Internet; our IT soul hasn't gotten back to us yet. With the right agent, you could see a Cthulhu movie franchise! There are plenty of agents on Satan’s Roll of the Damned – selling your soul is a badge of honor for those guys.
Everything’s ready: Cthulhu’s proposal is sound, the correct Form 336-A/2 has been filed, and the post-release infrastructure is good to go. The hard part is the waiting; Hell is eternal, so we have nothing but time on our hands, but Cthulhu has a limited shelf-life. If he doesn't reappear in the next hundred years or so, it’s unlikely that anyone will buy a sequel. We don’t know when the Master of the Damned will rule on the Form 336-A/2 , or if it will be lost along the way; it wouldn't be the first time. Plus, Satan likes to turn down even the best proposals, just to be evil. It’s who He is.
You can look for signs on Earth. Are economists publishing papers on recency bias in stock transactions? Has the phrase entered popular culture? How many Google references are there for it? What about Wikipedia? Are stockbrokers getting insanely rich again? All these are signs that The Great Horned One is thinking about it – He tries out evil plans before deciding.
You will know Cthulhu is back if you spot any new books featuring him. You might try writing one yourself; if you’re lucky, a mysterious stranger will offer you a book deal too good to be true. My advice: don’t take it! I don’t want to see your soul in Administration. Writing Cthulhu isn't worth eternal damnation – just ask H. P. Lovecraft.
I will be traveling this coming week, and it may be difficult to thank you or respond to any comments. Thank you for reading my entry and for your comments.
“Recency Bias”
OUT OF THE LABYRINTH
Cthulhu the Destroyer in His Prime
There is far more to Hell than the Guidebooks tell you. Sure, there are the flashy Nine Circles, but those are for the souls being tortured with unquenchable fire for all eternity. Buried underneath Limbo, Lust, and Gluttony; below Greed, Anger, and Heresy; deeper even than Violence, Fraud, and Treachery, at the end of a bleak, twisting corridor filled with smoke and flames is a door, marked only with a plain sign: “Administration.”
Those of us who work here call it the 10th Circle. Hell doesn't run itself, you know; this is where the real work gets done. Satan may damn you, but you aren't in Hell until you've seen Administration. We are the lowest of the low, devil-wise; even Dagon, Satan’s pastry chef, outranks us. Still, it’s not a bad place to work and we’re a pretty good crew.
There is another area of Hell so horrendous it doesn't have a name. You reach it through an unmarked opening near New Arrivals, which leads to a labyrinth of unimaginable complexity. Few have ever returned – it’s the lair of the fictional demons. Cthulhu lives here.
Cthulhu is one of the fictionals, written by H. P. Lovecraft in 1928 and retired to the labyrinth in 1937, when Lovecraft died. The dreaded Cthulhu was huge, with a head that looked like octopus tentacles, the scaly body of a dragon, human-looking arms and legs with large claws, and (let’s be honest) silly wings. Cthulhu embodied monstrous, destructive evil on Earth; down here, without Lovecraft, he’s been a pussycat.
Cthulhu has one big problem – he wants back. They all do, of course, but the labyrinth usually takes care of that; wandering through mysterious dark passages for eternity usually wears them down. Cthulhu hasn't been in there that long, so he still yearns for the glory days.
I talk with Cthulhu from time to time over the intercom. I make sure he gets enough sleep, eats his sacrifices, and doesn't fight with the others. We try to be nice to the fictionals; I mean, it’s not like they sinned by choice -- I blame their writers for creating them demonic.
Anyway, Cthulhu hopes if he can unleash sufficient evil on Earth, Satan will free him from the labyrinth. It’s sad, really; Cthulhu walks around aimlessly, plotting and planning, then he tells me his latest scheme. As a favor, I make suggestions, write it on a Form 336-A/2, and give it to my boss, who routes it up through Administration.
Cthulhu thinks big. He started with apocalypses, but gradually scaled down to pestilences, wars, and global economic collapses. I kept telling him, think small – the biblical stuff is for the Big Guy. Cthulhu’s latest plan, however, might just do the trick – it’s small, with a targeted group of under-represented sinners: stockbrokers.
Cthulhu’s name for his latest proposal is “Recency Bias 2,” and I have to admit, I was impressed – it has Greed, Fraud, and Treachery, and it recycles an oldie. If it succeeds, it could trap a lot of souls, and the Boss is always hungry for new recruits. Cthulhu never impressed me as being all that smart, more of a death and destruction demon, but Recency Bias 2, like most great evil, has some subtly.
Ever read a stock prospectus? In tiny print at the bottom, it will warn you that “past performance does not guarantee future results.” That’s obvious, you think. But what if you didn't believe it? Cthulhu’s plan would restore the illusion that recent economic gains will always continue in the future. He says it's “recency bias” – see what I mean about smart? It worked big time in the Roaring Twenties, when everyone thought that stock prices would go up forever simply because they were increasing now. What a joke! We processed a lot of souls during the Crash. As a result, Upstairs came down hard on recency bias, patching it up with some common sense.
Not even God’s patches last forever, and this one is starting to come off. Cthulhu wants Satan to start an aggressive recruiting program with stockbrokers. In exchange for their souls, stockbrokers could take advantage of the recency bias now, before the patch blows and everyone can exploit it; it’s just a little insider trading. After the Crash, the Almighty didn’t mind us catching the bankers; it was all those little guys that bothered Him. The twist is, under Cthulhu’s proposal, Satan would reap only the stockbrokers – for now; even God has trouble loving those weasels.
If Satan does release Cthulhu from the labyrinth, he’ll need a new author; after all, he’ll still be fictional. There are plenty of writers, some even talented, who would trade their souls to create Cthulhu sequels. With e-books, he might even go marauding over the Internet; our IT soul hasn't gotten back to us yet. With the right agent, you could see a Cthulhu movie franchise! There are plenty of agents on Satan’s Roll of the Damned – selling your soul is a badge of honor for those guys.
Everything’s ready: Cthulhu’s proposal is sound, the correct Form 336-A/2 has been filed, and the post-release infrastructure is good to go. The hard part is the waiting; Hell is eternal, so we have nothing but time on our hands, but Cthulhu has a limited shelf-life. If he doesn't reappear in the next hundred years or so, it’s unlikely that anyone will buy a sequel. We don’t know when the Master of the Damned will rule on the Form 336-A/2 , or if it will be lost along the way; it wouldn't be the first time. Plus, Satan likes to turn down even the best proposals, just to be evil. It’s who He is.
You can look for signs on Earth. Are economists publishing papers on recency bias in stock transactions? Has the phrase entered popular culture? How many Google references are there for it? What about Wikipedia? Are stockbrokers getting insanely rich again? All these are signs that The Great Horned One is thinking about it – He tries out evil plans before deciding.
You will know Cthulhu is back if you spot any new books featuring him. You might try writing one yourself; if you’re lucky, a mysterious stranger will offer you a book deal too good to be true. My advice: don’t take it! I don’t want to see your soul in Administration. Writing Cthulhu isn't worth eternal damnation – just ask H. P. Lovecraft.
* * * * *
I will be traveling this coming week, and it may be difficult to thank you or respond to any comments. Thank you for reading my entry and for your comments.
