LJ Idol Season 9, Week 1

ANOTHER MEETING

Meetings with God were boring. Boring boring boring. I am Satan, he thought, the Great Evil, the Adversary, and Keeper of Hell. Mentally, Satan kicked the virtual meeting table, spilling his imaginary glass of water. God stopped reading his notes and looked up, with a Grade 3 scowl on his Divine Face. Why does God insist on this stupid illusion? My agenda wants to be a paper airplane. Fly free little airplane! Right into Gabriel’s ear. Snicker.

God zapped Satan with a Class 4 thunderbolt. A Class 4 didn’t hurt, but He had to keep Order. Without Order there was Chaos, and Chaos meant Satan. Down on Earth, the jagged bolt flashed across the sky. Boom. Some children looked up, scared. No awe. No reverence. That’s what You get for creating science, thought Satan. Order requires Rules, and Rules lead to predictability and predictability leads to science, and science leads to a declining Reverence Factor. Satan knew that God knew this, but he still couldn’t figure out God’s Plan for Earth. I hate that -- All-Powerful, All-Knowing, and All-Inscrutable. And All-Petty. Not one of His better qualities. I’m second-to-last on the Agenda. Again, and forever. Just because I gave Eve that apple. Get over it.

Satan picked at his horns. Time to sharpen them. More fidgeting. First the Seraphim, then the Cherubim, Thrones, Dominions. . . . Blah blah blah. Get to me! I have real business! The Great Pit of Fire and Torment was filling up. God kept creating planets, but He never thought about the Pit. Just like Him. Finally, the agenda turned to Satan’s petition to put the overflow-damned in black holes and compress them down to nothing. A brilliant idea. Not mine – it came from Soul 11456ACZ, Nikola Tesla. Sold me his soul to be a brilliant inventor. I loved my catch. He didn’t ask for recognition. Drove him crazy. Edison, now there was a true genius. He asked me for recognition for others' inventions. What a pair! I stuck them next to each other in the Pit.

God smiled on the petition. I don’t believe it! I got everything – black holes, supermassive black holes, dark matter, everything! Just no more escapes. Physics now leads straight to Hell! God has such a sense of humor.

Then it was time for the last agenda item, the Worst Joke Contest. Every meeting ended the same. It was the most popular item. I always lose – but not this meeting. Everyone competed, and God judged:

“What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love? ‘Honey, I’m home!’”

No reaction. God doesn’t like sex jokes, you idiot.

“My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.”

A frown. Religion and sex? You’ve got to be kidding!

“¿Por qué el pollo cruzó la carretera?”

Points for multi-culturalism, but it’s still a chicken and a road.

On and on it went. A joke about poor Schrodinger’s cat, a box, and revenge. In German. Too long and too obscure. “Q: How did the dead monkey cross the road? A: It was stapled to the chicken!” “Q: Hvordan holder du en idiot i spænding?” All losers!

My turn! My turn! “I have the Worst Joke Ever. It’s about a software engineer, a bicycle, and a monkey: ‘100111001000011111101010101011111001001!’”

A smile! I’ve won!

Class 10 thunderbolt. PAIN!