Week 17: "Scare Quotes"

THE GRAMMAR POLICE

June 15, 12:15 p.m. Detective Stephen White of the Internet Grammar Police was about to give the most important press conference of his career. He had received a threat from a grammar terrorist and in less than twelve hours, the quotation mark might vanish forever. Detective Molly Strunk, his partner, had rightly pointed out that people might notice.

Everyone knows the Internet Grammar Police, but few people like them. The IGP is charged with maintaining the English language on the Internet. Unprintable nitpickers to most, heroes to a few, the IGP looked for grammatical errors in web postings, corrected writers, levied fines, and referred the worst offenders for prosecution and incarceration in the Grammar Jail.

There were hordes of grammar vigilantes, mostly internet trolls, but Steve and Molly were the only sworn members of the IGP. Disputes about grammar raged freely over the Internet and were part of the fun. However, too many people reacted badly even to minor corrections. “If you get cited because you don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ or ‘its’ and ‘it’s,’” thought Detective White, “don’t whine about it and call us ‘grammar police.’ We know who we are, for god’s sake, and we’re proud of it!”

Since the IGP was unpopular, press conferences were usually contentious, which made Detective White nervous. As he approached the podium, he noticed Stanley Barnacle, a new reporter for the blog Grammar Wrap-Up. Stan was the only one attending in person. All the others were Skyping, including the Big Three: Grammar Today, Issues in English, and the gray lady of internet grammar blogging, Grammar!

The Skyping table was jammed with computer screens, which glowed as Detective White spoke: “I am going to read a statement, but due to the nature of recent events, there will be no questions.”

"The IGP received an e-threat this morning from an unknown grammar terrorist who promised to unleash a computer virus at 12:01 a.m. on June 16 which will permanently eliminate quotation marks from all current and future electronic material, including the Internet. The terrorist has made no demands, only stating “Catch me if you can.” We urge everyone to stay calm. Thank you."

As Detective White walked away from the podium, he heard Stan shout “What are you hiding? Why is he waiting until June 16 to unleash the Joyce Virus? What should the public do?”

“Uh oh, trouble,” thought Detective Strunk as she stepped up to the microphone, “someone leaked the name of the virus.”

“Detective White said no questions. We’ll keep the press informed.”

White appreciated Molly holding Stan off.  Time was too critical to spend it babysitting the press, and they didn't want to give the "Joyce Virus" lunatic a platform for whatever he was thinking.  They hoped to receive the usual manifesto soon, which might give them some clues.  There was almost nothing to work with, and no way to protect the quotation mark.

June 15, 12:25 p.m. The detectives walked downstairs to the IGP office. The walls were gray, except for those painted brown, and the ceiling tiles sagged. Two metal desks were jammed into the room along with a filing cabinet missing a drawer. The only functioning computer piggybacked onto Parking Enforcement’s network upstairs.

Detective Strunk was puzzled. Threats against the IGP were routine, but no one had targeted a punctuation mark before, and if the quotation mark could fall, was every punctuation mark vulnerable, even the period? The possibility of stream of consciousness writing was frightening.

“We need a plan,” admitted Steve.

“We need a miracle,” corrected Molly.

June 15, 2:10 p.m. Several cups of coffee later, the detectives still had neither a plan nor a miracle. It looked as if the quotation mark were doomed. They would miss it.

“There has to be a reason we’re involved in this,” Steve mused. “Our jurisdiction is English grammar violations on the Internet and the terrorist is targeting the quotation mark, not IGP.”

“But quotation marks are pretty simple,” responded Molly, “and most citations are for failure to observe secondary punctuation rules, like whether the period goes inside or outside the last quotation mark.”

“So we know the motive involves the quotation mark itself and not the IGP.”

“Don’t forget James Joyce, since the terrorist called it the Joyce Virus, plus there’s something special about June 16th, since he picked it,” added Molly. “It’s time to hit the Internet.”

June 15, 8:00 p.m. The Internet was vast, IGP’s old computer was slow, and they were running out of time, but after too many hours, the frazzled detectives had their miracle, if only a tiny one. There was something special about the date. Tomorrow, Condensed Classics Publishing was issuing an improved edition of Joyce’s Finnegans Wake, with over 9,000 corrections to make it “easy to read for everyone!” One of the improvements added quotation marks in a novel famous for being written without them.

“Can’t be a coincidence,” said Molly.

“We have a motive,” added Steve. “Now we need a suspect.”

“And more coffee.”

They both needed refueling, and more time. The Joyce Virus was set to go off in only four more hours. Caffeine, adrenaline and lack of sleep were a potent mix; all they lacked was sugar, and a few stale doughnuts took care of that.

Properly stimulated, Molly had an idea. “This guy wants to be stopped, or else he’d just do it, and why attack all quotation marks instead of just that book? Now he’s got the attention of the Grammar Police, and no sane person wants that.”

“How many people have actually read Finnegans Wake?” wondered Steve.

“. . . and loved it? It can’t be that many. Check the Joyce blogs, and correlate them with Condensed Classics.”

June 15, 9:47 p.m. The computer ground slowly through the searches. The quotation mark looked like it was headed for the punctuation graveyard, to rest alongside the manicule, the pilcrow, and the percontation mark.

Suddenly, Molly whooped. “Found the bastard! Here’s a site called The Other Side of Joyce and the blogger says he’s a descendant of Joyce’s wife, Nora; the guy’s been crusading against that damned book for over a year. You’ll never believe this – it's Stanley Barnacle! Nora Joyce’s maiden name was Barnacle!”

Steve was stunned. “That new reporter for Grammar Wrap-Up? No wonder he knew the name of the virus! There wasn’t a leak and we never released it.”

It finally made sense. Stan was one of Joyce’s truest believers and any attempt to change Finnegans Wake, especially by adding quotation marks, would have to be stopped, preferably in a way that would revive interest in Joyce's books.

IGP arrest warrants were low priority and it was going to take time to get one at this late hour—time they didn’t have. The detectives rushed out to find a friendly district attorney and a judge who worked late, both scarce in this town.

June 15, 11:57 p.m. Stan lived in the office of Grammar Wrap-Up close to City Hall, and they had to get there now! Detective White had dreamed of an arrest like this ever since Grammar Academy: speeding car, lights flashing, siren wailing, gun out, kicking in the door, “hands where I can see them,” a last-minute attempt to free the hostage. He got it all, except the hostage was a punctuation mark and Grammar Police didn’t have guns.

Detective Strunk got to Stan just before he could press the “send” button on his computer, saving quotation marks for future generations.

June 16, 2:07 a.m. It took hours to process the crime scene, but Molly and Steve didn’t mind. Stan watched them work, not saying a word until they led him to the squad car. “I had nothing personal against the quotation mark, but I had to stop Condensed Classics. If readers wanted that abomination, then they were going to lose their quotation marks. Simple as that.”

Steve thought Molly summed it up best: “What a nutbag! Damn, I need some sleep.”

Just Desserts. Stanley Barnacle pled guilty to felony threat against punctuation, and he was sentenced to ten years in Grammar Jail. The courts shut down the “improved” Finnegans Wake under the literary obscenity statutes. Sales of Finnegans Wake declined at a slower rate, thanks to the publicity.

Steve and Molly continued to be mocked and their efforts largely ignored by the growing hordes of uncaring internet denizens.

* * * * *

I took a liberty with Finnegans Wake.  Joyce did not completely omit quotation markings. Finnegans Wake is experimental, including the punctuation.  Joyce sometimes used "inverted commas" (apostrophes) in place of quotation marks, and at times omitted "inverted commas" where quotation marks might ordinarily be expected to appear.

In 2012, Penguin Classics published The Restored Finnegans Wake, with “some 9000 minor yet crucial corrections and amendments, covering punctuation marks, font choice, spacing, misspellings, misplaced phrases and ruptured syntax.” http://www.penguinclassics.co.uk/nf/Book/BookDisplay/0,,9780141192291,00.html?The_Restored_Finnegans_Wake_James_Joyce
The Restored Finnegans Wake substituted standard quotation marks for “inverted commas,” it did not otherwise add quotation marks where none previously existed; that particular piece of mischief was my idea and I do not want to confuse anyone familiar with or curious about The Restored Finnegans Wake.