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The Temptation of Agyris
Feb. 26th, 2016 11:41 amLJ Idol, Week 11
Topic: Innocuous
Life was hard, as Argyris, semi-god of niceness, knew all too well. “I miss the old days,” he thought as he stared at the clock, willing the hands forward by ten minutes until it was 5:00 p.m. and he could go home at last. He desperately wanted a new job, but this was all that Former Deity Services (FDS) could find for him – a clerk at Aegis Insurance Co.
“You’re Ancient Greek” the personnel officer had said, “and no one is interested – why can’t you be Indigenous? Everyone wants to hire an indigenous god, especially the animal ones. They make amazing pets!”
“I miss the sacrifices and the offerings -- Zeus threw such wild parties,” Argyris mourned as he got on the crowded bus to go home. “Back then, I could have ridden a chariot, not this awful bus. Best of all, I didn’t need to work!”
Sure, he received a small monthly stipend from FDS, but it didn’t go very far. “Work is for mortals!” he stewed. “Why couldn’t I at least be a doctor, like Asclepius? ‘First do no harm’ is my specialty.”
Argyris hated the hot, crowded bus ride. He willed a rude young man to give up his seat – Argyris was certainly old enough for a little consideration – and immediately regretted it. The passenger next to him had clearly ignored the advertising for mouthwash and deodorant. Argyris couldn’t do anything about it. His powers only went so far these days.
As a semi-god, Argyris had been the least of the gods, ignored by everyone, especially after the Change. Zeus, Apollo, Aphrodite and the others could live off the royalties from books and movies, but not the semi-gods.
It had been thousands of years since anyone had noticed him. Who cared about a semi-god whose divine power made life a little nicer and sometimes lessened the harm caused by the other gods? Everyone else had been destroy and fight. “Sure, it was dramatic, but take away the niceness, and what have you got?” mused Argyris.
Today, however, all this was about to change.
Agyris lived in a run-down third floor walk-up over a Chinese restaurant. After opening his door, he found a bright red envelope on the floor emblazoned with a black S. “What’s this?” he said to Homer, his cat. “Someone put it under the door,” Homer purred. Agyris could still understand some animals.
It was a request for a meeting, printed with fiery red ink on black stationery. Agyris immediately recognized it. He had seen a similar letter long ago, from Satan, inviting the gods to a transition party, before the new order was established and they retired into myth.
It had been intended as a friendly get-together, but Satan had been so vain, lording his new position over Hades and Persephone. “It’s called Hell now,” he had told anyone who would listen. It had been the most uncomfortable party Agyris had ever attended, with the worst food. All the hors d'oeuvres had been burned.
This invitation did not give a time or location. All it said was, “Just ask for me. Satan.”
Agyris was curious. “What’s he up to,” he wondered. “I guess now is as good a time as any.”
Agyris called out, “Satan, I accept your invitation!”
There was a knock on the door. Agyris opened it, and in stepped the Lord of Darkness, smelling strongly of sulfur. Homer hissed, and hid under the sofa.
“It’s good to see you again, Agyris,” Satan said.
“What happened to your burst of flames and billowing smoke?” replied Agyris, remembering Satan’s pretentious entry at the party.
“Budget cuts took out the special effects department,” Satan responded. In truth, Agyris thought that Satan was looking a little shabby, but so was he, so he said nothing about it.
Agyris was still bitter about the Change, and he did not like Satan. The archangels had been friendly enough, but their Boss had snubbed all the former gods completely and no one had ever met Him, not even Zeus.
Argyris wanted to get this over with and have some dinner. “Look Satan,” Agyris said, “it’s been a couple of millennia since we met and you don’t have the best reputation. What do you want?”
“It’s my reputation I want to talk about,” began Satan, gazing down at his hooves, his tail drooping. “Everyone thinks I’m the ultimate in wickedness, torturing souls for eternity and plotting against the Boss. It’s all true of course, but business is way down and I need to turn things around.”
“But what does that have to do with me?” asked Argyris.
“You were the semi-god of niceness. You cleaned up after the others,” continued Satan, “and I need people to think I’m nice.”
“Not a chance in Hades! Besides, wouldn’t that upset the Boss’ natural order? You’re the embodiment of evil!”
“I don’t want to be nice, I only want to seem nice,” said Satan, his tail picking up.
“You want me to help you trick souls into eternal damnation?” Argyris was repulsed by the idea. “That is truly evil!”
“Thank you! Isn’t it monstrously bad?” beamed Satan, his eyes aflame with pride.
“I used to be nice to people – I will never help you!” Argyris would have shouted, but that would have been rude.
“I can pay,” said Satan, “lots and lots of money. Who knows, if it works out, you can be one of my minions, or even a demon. I offer health benefits and vacation time.”
This tempted Argyris more than he liked. “After all,” he thought, “it’s not like I would be sending them to Hell, and I wouldn’t be changing things very much. It’s all there for people to read in that book. If you can’t figure out that Satan is trying to ensnare your soul, perhaps you deserve to go to Hell.”
“Think about it,” added Satan. “No more 9 to 5 job with the mortals, no more bus rides – you can get yourself a real house, and some better clothes. It’s not like you’re doing anything nice for the world anymore – you and your friends were rejected, forced into retirement. Do they really deserve your compassion? They didn’t have any for you!”
It all sounded so easy – just this one use of his powers, and everything would be good again.
“Perhaps I could be a demon. It’s not like FDS is going to get me a better job,” thought Agyris, as he pictured a new home, and even a car -- perhaps a convertible, top down, just like a chariot!
Satan sensed that Agyris was close, and pulled out a contract for him to sign.
Something about seeing the contract broke Satan’s spell. Agyris could not sign it.
“I am the semi-god of niceness,” he thought, “and this would not be nice. I can’t give up, especially not to Satan, even though people no longer care.” After all, much as he disliked his current status, he was used to it.
“I refuse to work for evil,” said Argyris.
“Look,” whined Satan, “if you don’t like the contract, we can change it – you could be a consultant! Think about what you’re giving up!”
“I am, and it’s not the money – it’s my soul!” said Argyris firmly. Get out of my home! BEGONE!” It felt good to be rude to Satan.
“You’ll regret this,” said Satan, as he disappeared in a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke. “Just remember, it’s an open offer – you can always call me!”
“It looks like Satan lied about the special effects,” Argyris mused. “I should have known!”
Homer crawled out from under the sofa and started rubbing Argyris’ leg, purring loudly.
The next morning, Argyris felt good about his job for the first time in years. “I faced down the Prince of Darkness and won!” he exulted. The old gods still had some power. He willed Homer into mid-air for a romp around the room – “Yee Hah!” purred Homer, who loved a good upside down flight.
His apartment was still dingy, the bus ride was still crowded, and the same work awaited Argyris, but it didn’t matter. Argyris felt strong again, strong enough to defy the FDS Ban on public use of his power.
Everyone around him had a good day and everybody was nice for a change. “I could get used to this,” he thought, after his boss gave him an unexpected promotion.
Normally, a god could expect an immediate summons to FDS headquarters on Mt. Olympus for violating the Ban, with a suitable punishment to follow. After using his powers to seduce women, Zeus himself had been chained to a rock for a week while an eagle ate his liver. This had been Hera’s idea.
No summons ever came for Argyris, who had been ignored in the past and was still being overlooked. “I’m just not important enough,” he thought gratefully.
Argyris now felt free to use his powers to create a nicer world for himself. “Niceness is as niceness does” was his motto, and life seemed a little better for those near him. Unfortunately, his reduced power was limited to those close by, but it was enough.
Work continued to improve for Argyris, who received more promotions as Aegis Insurance’s stock inexplicably began to rise.
Argyris’ salary rose as well, and he was able to afford a house with a convertible in the garage, which he drove whenever possible with the top down, reliving his glory days by taking Homer for ”chariot rides.”
Satan continued to send Argyris more letters with better and better offers, but Argyris just wasn’t tempted anymore. He knew what he was missing on both sides, and he'd made his choice.
His soul, in all its glory, would remain his own.
Topic: Innocuous
THE TEMPTATION OF ARGYRIS
Life was hard, as Argyris, semi-god of niceness, knew all too well. “I miss the old days,” he thought as he stared at the clock, willing the hands forward by ten minutes until it was 5:00 p.m. and he could go home at last. He desperately wanted a new job, but this was all that Former Deity Services (FDS) could find for him – a clerk at Aegis Insurance Co.
“You’re Ancient Greek” the personnel officer had said, “and no one is interested – why can’t you be Indigenous? Everyone wants to hire an indigenous god, especially the animal ones. They make amazing pets!”
“I miss the sacrifices and the offerings -- Zeus threw such wild parties,” Argyris mourned as he got on the crowded bus to go home. “Back then, I could have ridden a chariot, not this awful bus. Best of all, I didn’t need to work!”
Sure, he received a small monthly stipend from FDS, but it didn’t go very far. “Work is for mortals!” he stewed. “Why couldn’t I at least be a doctor, like Asclepius? ‘First do no harm’ is my specialty.”
Argyris hated the hot, crowded bus ride. He willed a rude young man to give up his seat – Argyris was certainly old enough for a little consideration – and immediately regretted it. The passenger next to him had clearly ignored the advertising for mouthwash and deodorant. Argyris couldn’t do anything about it. His powers only went so far these days.
As a semi-god, Argyris had been the least of the gods, ignored by everyone, especially after the Change. Zeus, Apollo, Aphrodite and the others could live off the royalties from books and movies, but not the semi-gods.
It had been thousands of years since anyone had noticed him. Who cared about a semi-god whose divine power made life a little nicer and sometimes lessened the harm caused by the other gods? Everyone else had been destroy and fight. “Sure, it was dramatic, but take away the niceness, and what have you got?” mused Argyris.
Today, however, all this was about to change.
Agyris lived in a run-down third floor walk-up over a Chinese restaurant. After opening his door, he found a bright red envelope on the floor emblazoned with a black S. “What’s this?” he said to Homer, his cat. “Someone put it under the door,” Homer purred. Agyris could still understand some animals.
It was a request for a meeting, printed with fiery red ink on black stationery. Agyris immediately recognized it. He had seen a similar letter long ago, from Satan, inviting the gods to a transition party, before the new order was established and they retired into myth.
It had been intended as a friendly get-together, but Satan had been so vain, lording his new position over Hades and Persephone. “It’s called Hell now,” he had told anyone who would listen. It had been the most uncomfortable party Agyris had ever attended, with the worst food. All the hors d'oeuvres had been burned.
This invitation did not give a time or location. All it said was, “Just ask for me. Satan.”
Agyris was curious. “What’s he up to,” he wondered. “I guess now is as good a time as any.”
Agyris called out, “Satan, I accept your invitation!”
There was a knock on the door. Agyris opened it, and in stepped the Lord of Darkness, smelling strongly of sulfur. Homer hissed, and hid under the sofa.
“It’s good to see you again, Agyris,” Satan said.
“What happened to your burst of flames and billowing smoke?” replied Agyris, remembering Satan’s pretentious entry at the party.
“Budget cuts took out the special effects department,” Satan responded. In truth, Agyris thought that Satan was looking a little shabby, but so was he, so he said nothing about it.
Agyris was still bitter about the Change, and he did not like Satan. The archangels had been friendly enough, but their Boss had snubbed all the former gods completely and no one had ever met Him, not even Zeus.
Argyris wanted to get this over with and have some dinner. “Look Satan,” Agyris said, “it’s been a couple of millennia since we met and you don’t have the best reputation. What do you want?”
“It’s my reputation I want to talk about,” began Satan, gazing down at his hooves, his tail drooping. “Everyone thinks I’m the ultimate in wickedness, torturing souls for eternity and plotting against the Boss. It’s all true of course, but business is way down and I need to turn things around.”
“But what does that have to do with me?” asked Argyris.
“You were the semi-god of niceness. You cleaned up after the others,” continued Satan, “and I need people to think I’m nice.”
“Not a chance in Hades! Besides, wouldn’t that upset the Boss’ natural order? You’re the embodiment of evil!”
“I don’t want to be nice, I only want to seem nice,” said Satan, his tail picking up.
“You want me to help you trick souls into eternal damnation?” Argyris was repulsed by the idea. “That is truly evil!”
“Thank you! Isn’t it monstrously bad?” beamed Satan, his eyes aflame with pride.
“I used to be nice to people – I will never help you!” Argyris would have shouted, but that would have been rude.
“I can pay,” said Satan, “lots and lots of money. Who knows, if it works out, you can be one of my minions, or even a demon. I offer health benefits and vacation time.”
This tempted Argyris more than he liked. “After all,” he thought, “it’s not like I would be sending them to Hell, and I wouldn’t be changing things very much. It’s all there for people to read in that book. If you can’t figure out that Satan is trying to ensnare your soul, perhaps you deserve to go to Hell.”
“Think about it,” added Satan. “No more 9 to 5 job with the mortals, no more bus rides – you can get yourself a real house, and some better clothes. It’s not like you’re doing anything nice for the world anymore – you and your friends were rejected, forced into retirement. Do they really deserve your compassion? They didn’t have any for you!”
It all sounded so easy – just this one use of his powers, and everything would be good again.
“Perhaps I could be a demon. It’s not like FDS is going to get me a better job,” thought Agyris, as he pictured a new home, and even a car -- perhaps a convertible, top down, just like a chariot!
Satan sensed that Agyris was close, and pulled out a contract for him to sign.
Something about seeing the contract broke Satan’s spell. Agyris could not sign it.
“I am the semi-god of niceness,” he thought, “and this would not be nice. I can’t give up, especially not to Satan, even though people no longer care.” After all, much as he disliked his current status, he was used to it.
“I refuse to work for evil,” said Argyris.
“Look,” whined Satan, “if you don’t like the contract, we can change it – you could be a consultant! Think about what you’re giving up!”
“I am, and it’s not the money – it’s my soul!” said Argyris firmly. Get out of my home! BEGONE!” It felt good to be rude to Satan.
“You’ll regret this,” said Satan, as he disappeared in a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke. “Just remember, it’s an open offer – you can always call me!”
“It looks like Satan lied about the special effects,” Argyris mused. “I should have known!”
Homer crawled out from under the sofa and started rubbing Argyris’ leg, purring loudly.
The next morning, Argyris felt good about his job for the first time in years. “I faced down the Prince of Darkness and won!” he exulted. The old gods still had some power. He willed Homer into mid-air for a romp around the room – “Yee Hah!” purred Homer, who loved a good upside down flight.
His apartment was still dingy, the bus ride was still crowded, and the same work awaited Argyris, but it didn’t matter. Argyris felt strong again, strong enough to defy the FDS Ban on public use of his power.
Everyone around him had a good day and everybody was nice for a change. “I could get used to this,” he thought, after his boss gave him an unexpected promotion.
Normally, a god could expect an immediate summons to FDS headquarters on Mt. Olympus for violating the Ban, with a suitable punishment to follow. After using his powers to seduce women, Zeus himself had been chained to a rock for a week while an eagle ate his liver. This had been Hera’s idea.
No summons ever came for Argyris, who had been ignored in the past and was still being overlooked. “I’m just not important enough,” he thought gratefully.
Argyris now felt free to use his powers to create a nicer world for himself. “Niceness is as niceness does” was his motto, and life seemed a little better for those near him. Unfortunately, his reduced power was limited to those close by, but it was enough.
Work continued to improve for Argyris, who received more promotions as Aegis Insurance’s stock inexplicably began to rise.
Argyris’ salary rose as well, and he was able to afford a house with a convertible in the garage, which he drove whenever possible with the top down, reliving his glory days by taking Homer for ”chariot rides.”
Satan continued to send Argyris more letters with better and better offers, but Argyris just wasn’t tempted anymore. He knew what he was missing on both sides, and he'd made his choice.
His soul, in all its glory, would remain his own.
