Season 10, Break Week, Entry #2

Topic: Kummerspeck

ZOMBIES GALORE!

Centers for Disease Control
Dec. 15, 2016
Bulletin: SZ-3
Threat Level: Urgent

Pursuant to Section 475.4(c) of the Zombie Health Code [42 U.S.C. section 984 (2015)], the Centers for Disease Control (“CDC”) hereby issues this urgent Zombie Apocalypse Bulletin (“ZAB”).

The CDC urges calm in the face of the threat.  Remember, you can walk faster than a zombie can stagger, and you should certainly be smarter than one.  If you still manage to get caught, zombification might be a step up, so join the horde and have fun!

The CDC advises that if you spot one, you should issue a personal zombie alert (“PZA”) by screaming “zombies!” and then running like hell until you are far, far away.  If normal communication channels are still operational, notify the CDC by using our toll-free hot line, 1-555-ZOMBIES [966-2437].

The CDC has determined that the outbreak originated near Creek Hollow, West Virginia.  MineCo allegedly released a zombie toxin when it opened a deeper coal mine shaft. 

Zombie zero was Zeke Gronkers, allegedly a MineCo worker.  MineCo denies any employment relationship with Mr. Gronkers, who was an illegal trespasser imitating a coal miner for the purpose of defrauding MineCo of his salary. 

“We deny all allegations and welcome the CDC’s investigation,” stated general counsel Dana Young.  “Just ask the EPA, the Corps of Engineers, and all those other guys.”

From MineCo’s executive bunker, CEO Geoffrey Andrews stated: “Our thoughts and prayers are with each and every member of the human race during this difficult time, but no evidence currently exists proving that this was caused by MineCo, a responsible innovator in mass coal extraction for a brighter future.”

Zombitis has spread beyond its original hot zone.

There has been a confirmed report of zombitis among Mall Santas.  To date, it has been limited to shopping malls in the eastern United States.

Signs that you have left your child in the lap of a zombie Santa include the following: Santa’s skin is grey and peeling off his face; his tongue is hanging out of his mouth (if he still has one); Santa’s vocabulary is limited to “grrrr;” or he tries to eat your child.

Other cautions: no one is waiting in line, Santa’s Helpers are scattered about with appendages missing, and the North Pole, sleigh, or other decorations have bite marks.

If you still find that you have placed your child in a zombie Santa’s lap, perform an immediate extraction maneuver (“IEM”), issue a PZA, and run like hell until you are far, far away. 

If your child starts to growl and twitch, conduct an emergency child release maneuver (“ECR”), issue another PZA, and continue running.  Promptly notify your family that you have returned safely in accordance with CDC Zombie Contact Procedures (“ZCP”).  Your family will appreciate your diligence.

In a brief statement, Santa Claus, the original jolly old elf, confirmed that “good little boys and girls have nothing to fear.”  “A zombie Santa is no worse than Krampus,” added the Head Elf from Santa’s Fortress at the North Pole. 

Mrs. Claus has reportedly urged Santa to suspend chimney-based deliveries and air drop this year’s presents directly from the sleigh.  “He never knows what’s waiting for him down there,” said Snowflake, her personal elf.  “What if it’s more than milk and cookies?” 

Civil Air Defense has rejected gift-bombing as inconsistent with standard safety protocols and warns that it could send eager children rushing outside the safety of home survival units.  “Those soulless SOB’s wouldn’t hesitate to use Santa’s presents as lures for little civilians,” added Col. Roberts.  “It’s not hide ‘n seek out there!”

The CDC is working diligently to locate and neutralize all zombie Santas, but cautions you to remember the “3B’s” -- Be Alert, Be Prepared, and Be Armed!  While the CDC always recommends maintaining a sufficient quantity of necessary supplies, at this time only essential hoarding and looting are encouraged.

The CDC also reminds you to eat a healthy diet, with at least five servings of fruits and vegetables every day.  The Last Chance Diet, with its emphasis on pizza, nachos, and beer, may actually make you more attractive to zombies, as recent research indicates that zombies dislike scrawny prey.  See Ann McKenzie, Ph.D., “Grazing Patterns in Slow-Moving Zombie Hordes” from Current Trends in Zombie Health (June, 2015). 

DrugCo., a leading pharmaceutical innovator, is continuing research into treatments for zombitis, and is reasonably confident it may be able to market one in the future.

The current outbreak has thus far been limited to the identified high-risk occupations.  CDC-authorized measures have been instituted to minimize infection beyond these groups.  If you are a coal miner or a Mall Santa, please report to the nearest police station or military base for humane prophylactic assistance.

This has been a CDC Zombie Apocalypse Bulletin.  Further Bulletins may be issued as necessary.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Important
My domputer has died.  Unfortunately, until I can replace it, I will not have internet access, and so, regretably, I will not be able to thank you for reading my entry.  I appreciate your taking the time to read this, and I appreciate any comments.

##########

Links to the other three Break Week entries:

1.  "Gone, But Not Fergettin'"
http://rayaso.livejournal.com/21271.html
3.  "Zombie Studies"
http://rayaso.livejournal.com/22000.html
4. “Saving the Herd”
http://rayaso.livejournal.com/22064.html