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Idol Mini-Season 2018-19
Week 20
Topic: Nostos

THE OLD TOYS BOX

A rumor was going through the box of Old Toys stored in the basement. “It can’t be right,” spelled out the Ouija Board. “My sources say no,” agreed the Magic 8 Ball. Barbie, for one, had tried to be hopeful over the years, but even she had eventually given up.

But it was true: G.I. Joe Action Pilot had finally returned.

The toys had always been so proud when the Joe Brothers had arrived, dedicated to fighting for America in WWII. The oldest, G.I. Joe, had led the way, joining the infantry. G.I. Joe Action Pilot, the middle brother, was in the Air Force, and G.I. Joe Action Sailor had picked the Navy. They would tease G.I. Joe that he wasn’t a real action figure because "action" wasn’t in his name.

“I don’t need it,” G.I. Joe would say. “I’m in the Army and the action’s built in, not like you two shirkers.”

And then the three would pile on for a good-natured fight while the other toys would cheer, even Ken, who had never served his country. This had always bothered Barbie; she had dreamed of loving a hero, not a beach bum.

“Why was I stuck with Ken?” Barbie had asked Ouija during a counseling session.

“We don’t get to pick our story lines,” Ouija had spelled. “We’re at the mercy of the children – it’s whatever they imagine. I once heard of a Barbie being forced to marry a Troll, so it could be worse.”

Barbie had shuddered just thinking about a troll husband. What could their wedding night have been like? Trolls had wild hair, sparkling eyes, and a wide smile, but no genitals. Then again, neither did she. She’d never given it much thought when she’d been an active toy because it was not Age Appropriate, but after she’d been retired, she’d starting using her brain, which had not been an available function during her play life.

“Maybe Ken’s not so bad,” she’d thought. “But I just can’t help thinking about Pilot Joe.”

With short attention spans, the toy box quieted down when it looked like Pilot Joe was not returning right now. G.I. Joe and Sailor Joe dreamed of the Battle for the Closet, Magic 8 Ball communicated with the other side, and the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots remembered their epic fifteen-round fight for the Heavyweight Bedroom Championship.

The toys had almost forgotten about Pilot Joe when several days later Mom’s hand took the top off the Old Toys box and dropped him in, then closed it up and walked away.

The toys started cheering, but none louder and longer than his brothers and Barbie. Ken only cheered after Barbie nudged him in the side. When the ruckus died down, G.I. Joe asked the big question.

“Where have you been all these years?” said G.I. Joe.

“On a special mission,” replied Pilot Joe.

“What kind of mission lasts that long?” asked Sailor Joe.

“The kind I can’t talk about,” Pilot Joe said. “And I had to fight my way back.”

“Three cheers for Pilot Joe!” said Barbie, just to annoy Ken.

“Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray!” said all the toys.

Ken refused to join in, just to upset Barbie. They were not having a good day.

“I could just kiss him!” said Barbie, looking at Ken.

“Hey,” said Ken, “we’re engaged!”

“Are not,” said Barbie.

“Are too,” said Ken. “That was the very last story we played before Sally put us away forever.”

“Doesn’t count,” said Barbie.

“Does too,” said Ken.

“Knock it off,” said G.I. Joe, “Pilot Joe has finally returned from war.”

Suddenly, the Magic 8 Ball rattled and revealed “don’t count on it.”

“He said he went on a secret mission and had to fight his way home,” growled Sailor Joe.

“That’s good enough for the Joes – he’s a hero!” grumbled G.I. Joe.

“Ask the Ouija Board,” said Ken, seeing a chance to take the Joe Brothers down a peg.

The planchette moved over to “no.”

Pilot Joe broke the quiet.

“Remember our last fight together,” he began. “the Assault on Fortress Bed?”

“Sure,” said G.I. Joe. “Steve’s friend, Carl, brought his Joes over to be the Nazis defending the bed. Things looked bad after Steve used the jeep’s spring-loaded cannon to shoot popcorn and one hit Carl in the eye. Mom court-martialed Steve and took away the cannon. After that, even though Pilot Joe was dropping Lego bombs and Sailor Joe was trying to make a landing on the beach, the Nazis were winning.”

“We ran out of time,” said Sailor Joe, “and Carl’s Joes had to go home. When we played Mission Bathtub next time, you were gone. What happened?”

“I volunteered for a detached assignment with Carl, who needed me,” said Pilot Joe. “Carl’s father was a fighter pilot who was missing in the war. Carl didn’t have a Pilot Joe, so Steve let him take me until his father came back.

“They finally found his jet in the jungle after all these years, so Carl’s mom sent me back to Steve, and here I am.”

“But where did you live?” asked G.I. Joe.

“That’s classified,” said Pilot Joe.

“My sources say no,” revealed the Magic 8 Ball.

“Were you a P.O.W.?” asked G.I. Joe.

“Were you tortured?” asked Sailor Joe.

“Were you married?” asked Barbie.

“Tell the truth,” spelled the Ouija Board.

There was a long pause.

“Worse,” said Pilot Joe. “After Carl grew too old and stopped playing with me, his mom put me in a box with his baby stuff. I was surrounded by onesies, pacifiers, and his first teddy bear!”

“Eewww!” said his brothers.

“You’ve got cooties!” said Ken, hopefully.

“I’ve got a field medic bag,” said G.I. Joe. “We’ve got to get those cooties before they infect the whole box!”

“I don’t have cooties,” said Pilot Joe. “I said I was with Carl’s baby stuff, not some girl’s. Babies don’t have cooties.”

Cooties or not, the Joe Brothers were just glad to be together again, and soon they were re-living old campaigns, including the capture of Mt. Stairway. They’d been leading green plastic army men against a platoon of Nazis. Casualties were high but, in the end, they’d made it to the top, thanks to Pilot Joe.

Barbie loved to hear these old war stories.

“Too bad Sally always stuck me with Ken,” she thought. “Blond hair, swimming trunks, and a surf board. I was always a beach bunny without a beach. The best I got was a big tan towel, and there was never any cross-play with the Joes. Thank goodness Sally just kept us engaged – she must have known something. I don’t know what I’d do if she’d actually married me to Ken.”

Barbie’s problem was her design. She was given too much of everything – a body every girl wanted but could never have and intelligence that had been muted in the final design review.

“Girls want to be pretty -- they don’t dream about being smart” had been the final consensus. Rather than go to the trouble of re-designing the product, Barbie’s intelligence had simply not been available during active play.

In the years following her retirement, Barbie had become increasingly unhappy with Ken. She had tried couples counselling with the Ouija Board, but Ken wouldn’t go, so she had gone alone. It had helped, but in the end what she had needed was a new story line.

“Since no one plays with you anymore,” Ouija had spelled, “you’re stuck unless someone uses you for a different story, one where you say ‘no’ to Ken.”

Once Pilot Joe returned, Barbie became even more miserable and she realized that her heart had always belonged to him despite what Sally had played.

“Babe,” Ken had said, “what’s up with you? We’re the perfect couple – check the storyline!”

Pilot Joe had always had similar feelings for Barbie, but without cross-play, nothing could come of it. Not long after his return, he interrupted the war stories to tell his brothers that all those years apart had not changed his heart.

“We beat the Nazis,” said G.I. Joe, “we can fix this.”

“We need to change Barbie’s story only a little,” said Sailor Joe. “We just have to get you lovebirds together . . . and Ken.”

Since they were made of hard plastic, the figures couldn’t move well on their own, but after planning a three-sided attack, the Joes slowly worked their way through the jumble of toys to surround Barbie and Ken. After the surprise maneuver, G.I. Joe and Sailor Joe were on both sides of Ken, with Pilot Joe next to Barbie. Like the Nazis in Lincoln Log Village Patrol, Ken never knew what hit him.

“Let’s play ‘Barbie’” said G.I. Joe. “She needs a new story.”

“What the . . .” Ken started to say.

“Before you say anything,” said Sailor Joe, “remember that there are three of us, battle-hardened and capable of beating Nazis bare-handed. You surf. G.I. Joe drives a Jeep with a cannon. You drive a dune buggy. Your worst injury is a sunburn. Pilot Joe loves Barbie, you don’t.”

Barbie almost swooned. Ken was quiet, and if plastic could sweat, his face would have dripped.

“Barbie and Ken are at the beach,” began G.I. Joe, starting a new story. “There’s a bonfire and the dune buggy’s in the background. Barbie’s never looked more beautiful in her swim suit. Ken turns to Barbie and says . . . .”

G.I. Joe whispered in Ken’s ear.

“I love you Barbie. Will you marry me?” said Ken.

“No!” said Barbie.

After more whispering from G.I. Joe, Ken said “O.K. Let’s just be friends. I’ll never bother you again.”

“Suddenly,” said G.I. Joe, “Pilot Joe arrives on the beach. He runs over to Barbie.”

“I love you,” said Pilot Joe. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” said Barbie, “with all my heart.”

All the toys cheered. Who doesn’t love a wedding?

Barbie, Pilot Joe, and his brothers worked their way to the Ouija Board, who led them in their vows.

The return of Pilot Joe and his marriage to Barbie kept the box buzzing for a long time. No one could remember such excitement since the last time they were played with. Retirement was boring for a toy. All they could do was hope for new children, or maybe a rummage sale and a new family.

The box eventually settled down. The Joes entertained the toys with war stories, and the Magic 8 Ball and Ouija Board tried to predict what was happening in the outside world.

Then one day, the Magic 8 Ball kept showing “outlook good,” no matter how many times it rattled. The Ouija Board had mixed messages, mostly “hello,” until one day it added “baby.”

Since nothing happened, the Old Toys forgot about it until one day, they could feel the Baby Things box next to them being taken down.

They knew that there were no baby toys in their box, but someday they would be back on the floor again. All they had to do was wait.

In the meantime, G.I. Joe, Sailor Joe, and Pilot Joe prepared for battle. They would be ready for whatever war needed to be fought, especially if Nazis were involved.

* * * * *
G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe Action Sailor, and G.I. Joe Action Pilot