Season 11, Week 6, Solvitur Ambulando ("it is solved by walking")

GNORBERT THE GNOME

Gnorbert the Gnome had been quite pleased with himself until the Witch arrived, angrier than usual at the garden gnome.  The only advice his parents had ever given him was “Don’t trick the Witch.” The young gnome had understood this to mean he could fool everyone else, and he had made them proud. But now he had a problem.

His parents weren’t home to help him this time.  Everything mobile, including his terrified parents, ran off as soon as the Witch landed in their garden with a blast of evil which killed all the poor plants, who deeply regretted not having legs.  Gnorbert also thought escaping was a fine idea and being a gnome, he was quite good at it, but the Witch had frozen his feet.

“You’re not walking away from this, Gnorbert,” said the Witch, ending with a shrieking cackle.

As cackles went, it was first rate and nearly froze the rest of him, but the Witch had something else in mind.  Trying to be safe, Gnorbert started to apologize for every trick he had ever pulled, including hiding Rumpelstiltskin’s gold.  It was a long list.

The Witch just stood there, fingering her wand, her anger rising.

“And then there was . . . .” continued Gnorbert.

“Enough!” the Witch screamed.  “I only care about one of your miserable stunts -- the dragon and the tiger.”

“That one?” he thought.  “I’m surprised she bought a ticket.”

It all began two weeks ago when the Village Crier had loudly announced “Dragon versus Tiger – a fight to the death!” This had happened every day for a week and the whole village had become excited.  A week later, the posters had appeared, and it had become all anyone could talk about.  “Death Match!” the posters had screamed in blood red over a roaring tiger facing a fire-breathing dragon.  The drawings had been crude because garden gnomes can’t draw with their stiff little arms, but this didn’t seem to matter.

Everyone bought tickets from Gnorbert and waited anxiously for the big event, which was going to be held in the town square.

The day was sunny and warm.  The square was full.  At the appointed time, preceded by two trumpeters playing a glorious fanfare, Gnorbert entered on a cart drawn by two pigs borrowed from the farmer, who was surprised to see them.  In as loud a voice as a garden gnome could muster, he announced “Dragon or Tiger – who will win?” With a great flourish, he held up a snap dragon in one pot and a tiger lily in another, then smashed the pots together, destroying both plants.  Gnorbert then ran away as fast as his short legs allowed.

The crowd was quiet.  Villagers stared at each other; their mouths open, not believing what they had just seen.  Then it started – cascades of laughter followed by enthusiastic applause.

They didn’t care that they had just been tricked.  The villagers had known that Gnorbert was up to something and they just wanted to see it.  The small price of admission was nothing compared to the fun.  Someone found Gnorbert and brought him back to loud cheers.

The Witch had not laughed.

“Yesterday you promised a dragon and a tiger,” said the Witch, “not some stupid plants.  I paid for a death match, but I got – you.  Didn’t your parents tell you not to toy with me?”

“Of course,” he replied.  “They said . . . .”

“I don’t care what they said.  They ran off and left you alone with me.”

Another cackle blistered Gnorbert’s ears.

“You like tricks,” said the Witch.  “Well, I have one for you.  The Collector is coming for you.”

The Collector was a mystery to the occupants of the Enchanted Land.  He was tall and thin, with gray hair and sad eyes.  No one knew where he lived, but after every visit, someone would be missing.  Parents used the Collector to scare children into obedience.  “If you don’t start behaving, the Collector will take you,” they would say.  But the Collector had not been seen in a very long time and most just considered him to be an old tale.

Gnorbert had never given the Collector much thought, but that changed when he saw him walking slowly across the garden,

“He’s too big,” said the Collector.

With a wave of the Witch’s wand, Gnorbert started to shrink until he was no more than an inch tall.  With another wave, he became rigid and unable to move.

“It was just a joke” were his last words.

“What did your parents tell you?” said the Witch before giving him to the Collector, who put him in his sack before disappearing from the Enchanted Lands.

With a self-satisfied shriek, the Witch flew off to her cottage to lay traps for wayward children.

The next thing Gnorbert knew, he was being dumped onto a huge wooden work bench, full of gigantic tools, brushes, and paints.  He was still small, frozen, and afraid.

“You’re a garden gnome,” said the Collector.  “I know just what to do with you.”

Gnorbert saw the Collector carefully build a beautiful glass building, round and pointed at the top.  He made a large red mushroom and placed it inside, then, using tweezers, he glued Gnorbert on top.  The Collector put tiny colorful glass tiger lilies and snap dragons all around the poor gnome, and then sealed him in.  It was a beautiful scene, one of the Collector’s best.  It included a small sign, which read “Never Trick a Witch.”  It was all Gnorbert could look at.

The Collector took the glass garden downstairs, into a musty shop full of old furniture, lamps, clothes and the like, each available to the right buyer.  He placed Gnorbert on a back shelf under a sign that read “Not for Sale.”  Above it was a larger sign reading “Grimm Brothers’ Antiques and Collectibles.”

The antiques store was located in a small town in one of the oldest buildings.  It was dark with a damp, musty smell.  It was run by Wilhelm and Jacob, two elderly brothers who lived above their store.

“Who did you remove?” Jacob asked Wilhelm.

“Gnorbert,” replied Wilhelm.  “He crossed the Witch once too often.”

“Too bad,” said Jacob, “he added some real fun.  Your work is beautiful.”

Wilhelm put Gnorbert on a shelf, next to another glass display containing Faithful Johannes.  Other dioramas held the Strange Musician, the White Snake, Clever Elsie, and many others from the Enchanted Land whose stories had become obscure, plus some, like Gnorbert, who had upset the Witch.  They were all doomed to live frozen in their exquisite glass worlds hoping that, someday, they might be restored to the Enchanted Land by the Brothers.

“Don’t you think the Witch is getting out of hand?” said Jacob.

“But what can we do about it?” said Wilhelm.  “She’s too important to remove – she’s in too many stories.”

“There is a solution,” said Jacob.  “The Enchanted Land needs a witch, not necessarily this one.  We could replace her with a different one and no one would know.”

“Wonderful,” said Wilhelm.  “I’ll have to create the perfect scene – it will take time.”

“We always have time,” said Jacob.  “We can put her on the shelf facing Gnorbert.”

“And you can put in a sign for her to read – “Leave the Gnomes Alone.”

With that, Wilhelm headed back to his workshop to begin work on the Witch’s display, while Jacob set about finding a new witch for the Enchanted Land, one who tolerated garden gnomes, even the mischievous ones.  Gnorbert would be able to return to the Enchanted Land, if he could just learn to leave the new witch alone.

Wilhelm and Jacob had a lot of work to do, and when they were finished, everyone in the Enchanted Land would live happily ever after again, with Gnorbert to liven things up.

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