THE CRACK TALKS BACK

[rayaso]

LJ Idol Season 9, Week 6
“Step On A Crack”

THE CRACK TALKS BACK

HEY YOU! Yeah, you! Put some eyes in your feet and watch where you’re going. Jeez. It’s me -- the crack. The one you’re about to step on. No, not a crack – the crack. Not a wisecrack; that’s Sid over in Philly. And definitely not a butt crack. Grow up! Step on me, and you’ll regret it. At least, your mother will.

I’ve been around since they started pouring concrete, and I’ll be here long after you die, so listen up. It'll save your mother some pain and a lot of medical bills. If you think she doesn’t love you now, wait until you step on me! Besides, it’s rude. How would you like it if someone stepped on you?

I know, I’m covered in dirt, dog urine, and I have weeds for hair. You call it filth, I call it camouflage. “There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” Yeah, I know Shakespeare. A few fragments, anyway. Think I haven’t been outside theaters? I love the classics, or at least the parts people talk about. I also like movie theaters—I can teach you bibles of truth. I’ve spent lots of time outside strip joints, too, so watch it. You don’t want your mother to know, do you? Speaking of your mother and strip joints . . . .

Mostly, I like to be outside elementary schools. Love them little kiddies. Don’t even think it – I’m not some kind of perv, just a plain old sidewalk crack. Little kids still believe in me. For God’s sake, NO—if people stop believing in me, I don’t go away. Does concrete go away? You watch too many Disney movies. Get a life. Really – you’re standing here listening to a sidewalk crack. Been off your meds long?

I need to speed this up. Stan from Maintenance is going to be here soon, with his bucket of concrete and his trowel. It’s finally time to fill me in. Seems there’ve been a lot of female spinal injuries lately, and they’ve decided to blame me. If people would just watch where they’re going, I wouldn’t be a problem.

I’ve got to be moving on. You didn’t think they could kill me just by dumping some water, cement, and limestone on me, did you? I’m not the actual crack. It’s more like I inhabit the crack. I’m the essence of crack. No, not that kind, you moron. No wonder your nose is always running. Do you want your mother to know? I didn’t think so.

Do you see what I’m up against? No one understands the real me, and it hurts my cold, hard heart. Sniff, sniff. Not really – I’m no emo crack. If you want that, check out the high school, next to the goth and drama queen cracks. That’s another reason I like elementary schools. The kids are innocent, and relatively normal. They still love their mommies. Not like high school. You should see what they do over there. Those brats actually jump up and down on cracks, hoping to kill their moms. “I hate her so much! She won’t let me get a tattoo! I hope she dies!” I’m always glad to oblige, of course. I have no choice. I’m a sidewalk crack. It’s what I do. It’s all that I do.

Anyway, as the immortal spirit of cracks, when someone fills in my current home, I just move to another. And then another. It actually gets kind of tiring. Find a good neighborhood with lots of families and children, and here comes Maintenance to ruin my happy home. At least Stan is one of the good ones. He does the prep work, and doesn’t just slop some concrete on me and smooth me over. That kind of work lasts all of one winter. Stan has pride. Also, he knows. We’ve had a lot of talks since I first showed up. He’s retiring soon.

Now you know too. So the next time you come to a sidewalk crack, step OVER me, not on me. If you don’t, your mother will pay the price.

Thanks for listening, pal. I’ll see you in front of the park.

Comments

[kagomeshuko.livejournal.com]

This made me laugh and I have no idea why, but for some reason, your sidewalk crack talked to me like a 1950s gangster from the movies . . . see? (er, "shee?")

[eska818.livejournal.com]

The voice in this piece reminded me strongly of a Clive Barker book - Mr. B. Gone! Very amusing, and a creative way to tackle the prompt.

Also yay frist. XD

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thanks for reading this. I'm calling the dialogue "street noir." It's Bogie in concrete overshoes.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Uh oh. Now I have to read Mr. Barker's book and see if he pre-plagiarized anything from me. Since I haven't read his book, that can only mean he pre-read my entry. Clive may have meant Mr. B. Gone as a pre-homage. Great writers are sometimes referred to as "timeless." Perhaps that means backward in time as well as forward.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

It's the Frog! from Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse. "I'll get you with my cement mixer gun!"

[waltzmatildah.livejournal.com]

but for some reason, your sidewalk crack talked to me like a 1950s gangster from the movies HA, me too!!!

This was such a fun entry :)

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

I'm afraid I don't know Courageous Cat, Minute Mouse or the Frog, but I love the idea of a cement mixer gun. Thanks for reading.

[penpusher.livejournal.com]

Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse were, basically, a cartoon ripoff of Batman and Robin, and for good reason: Bob Kane, the creator of Batman, also created this pair. But much like the Adam West incarnation of "Batman," Courageous Cat always had a utility belt with special devices that were exactly what was needed: typically a gun that would produce a substance or item that would thwart the villain's plan.

The Frog was a suit and bowler wearing gangster type who smoked a cigar and talked like Edward G. Robinson. And that's more than you ever thought you would know about Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse!

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

You can never know too much about the weirdness running loose in the world.

[solstice-singer.livejournal.com]

I love the stuff you come up with! Another really great entry.

[kagomeshuko.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that read it that way! Perhaps it really settled in when he had the crack say, 'That's Sid, ove rin Philly." Sounds like a 1950s gangster line.

[kickthehobbit.livejournal.com]

I think I'd be friends with your sidewalk, and I find that both terrifying and amazing. Nicely done. :D

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. As long as you don't step on the crack, everything should be OK, although it is not known as being particularly friendly. Give it a try and let me know what happens.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you, and thank you for reading my other entries. As a newby, it's hard to find repeat readers.

[halfshellvenus.livejournal.com]

This was a riot, and a great take on the prompt. It leans toward the genre that I call "crack," but that might be a little confusing in this context. Or come dangerously close to being a pun. :D

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

It's always nice when your wife likes your entry! I'm not sure what the "crack" genre is, but you can let me know.

[amberdawnpullin.livejournal.com]

I like how your mind works.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Most days, my mind doesn't work. It's pretty lazy.

[itsjustc.livejournal.com]

This made me smile. It's a very interesting angle!

As far as I'm aware we don't use this saying in the UK!

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

I think I like this particular spirit of sidewalk cracks. :)

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I haven't seen any reliable information as to the origins of the phrase, although the consensus seems to be it arose in the early 19th century, possibly from some children's book.

[rayaso.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Better to be a sidewalk crack with some personality, rather than some boring tripping hazard.

[bleodswean.livejournal.com]

You. That is all. Carry on with this ----> alleged humor bald-faced lies cautionary tale claptrap faux-futurist fiction fiction inanimate objects that talk to you inanimate objects that you talk to wild conjecture

Because it's wonderful.

[shimmerdream.livejournal.com]

I loved your take on this and (I can't quite believe I'm saying this) the personality of your pavement crack.