rayaso | The Grumpy Old Man

LJ Idol Week 8
Topic: Chiaroscuro

THE GRUMPY OLD MAN

“I hate this time of year,” grumbled Santa Claus, “the off-season is miserable!” The elves were on holiday, Rudolph’s nose was dark, and Mrs. Clause was always knitting. She had made it clear long ago that the ho ho ho in their marriage was over. This was the darkest time for Santa Clause.

“Not this year - this year it’s going to be different. This year I’m going to add a little spice. It’s time to let my agent earn his commission.”

Santa had finally let Reggie the Agent Elf book him on the Disney Caribbean Cruise Stars of Christmas tour. Disney had been after Santa for years.

Santa was looking forward to some fun in the sun; after all, old Kris Kringle was the superstar of Christmas. Sure, there was Frosty the Snowman, Old Man Winter, Little Jack Horner, and even Roland the Farter, Santa’s personal favorite, but for Christmas spirit, there was really just the jolly old elf himself, trimmed in red with his magnificent beard.

According to Reggie, it wasn’t much of a commitment; just two Santa shows a day for one week plus a few extras, such as the Christmas Wish Fulfillment Option. “No problem,” Reggie had said, “the wishes have to be less than twenty bucks. That’s Christmas stocking chump change.”

Santa was a little worried about the personal appearance contract, especially the “additional appearances as required,” but Reggie assured him this was standard for the extravaganza industry in order to maintain quality control.

The Travel Office had already filed Santa’s flight plans to Miami. Except for Christmas Eve, all flight plans had to be scheduled to avoid any more errors. Pilots did not like seeing Santa’s sled flashing unexpectedly across the sky, especially since naughty non-believers frequently reported it as hostile missile fire.

“It was all so much easier back when everyone believed in you,” sighed Suzie the Travel Agent Elf.

Packing was easy – just one magical red suit. Mrs. Claus had been after Santa for something more fashionable, but Santa preferred the classic, especially after Mrs. Claus’s fashion show. “I should have been more diplomatic than ‘are you out of your mind?’ but not even Mac the Scot Elf liked the plaid,” recalled Santa. It had taken a long time for Santa to make up for that one.

The flight to Miami had taken no time, especially since Santa used his personal micro sled. The reindeer were on vacation and the Christmas Sled needed repairs.

Things started to go wrong as soon as Santa appeared over the cruise ship. Reggie knew that Santa always worked alone, except for an elf or two to handle the lines and the crying babies. Instead, Santa could see Peter Pan, Dumbo, Snow White, and some various Princesses, all lined up at the Disney Staff Boarding Area.

“I’m going to have to talk to Gilbert the Personnel Elf when I get back,” complained Santa.

“Hey Santa,” yelled a Hospitality Crewmember, “over here – you need to get in line!”

“No cutting!” admonished Peter Pan.

“Yeah, wait your turn!” added some vague Princess that Santa didn’t recognize.

“She must be new for next year’s Wish List,” thought Santa, “I don’t see how Procurement keeps track of them.”

The longer Santa waited, the unhappier he became, and no one wanted an unhappy Santa. Finally, he had had enough: “NO TOYS FOR ANYONE!!!”

That brought an immediate response, but not the one Santa was expecting. The sky darkened, there was a blast of lighting, and when the mists cleared, there stood Krampus!

“What are you doing here, Krampus? It isn’t Christmas and there aren’t any naughty children for you to haul off in your sack.”

Santa was always repulsed by Krampus, with his hairy brown skin, cloven hooves, tail, spiked horns, and especially that long, menacing tongue.

“I work for Disney now,” snarled Krampus, “and I handle contract enforcement.”

Santa had heard the rumors, but he didn’t want to believe them. Disney was buying the contracts for all the magical creatures. It wouldn’t be too long until Krampus would be sanitized, given a song to sing, and turned into an amusement ride, but for now he was an enforcer.

Santa’s Disney contract appeared magically in Krampus’s hooves. “You’re stuck, the same as all the other characters. No special treatment – you work the afternoon and evening shifts next to the Lido Deck swimming pool, and if your Customer Satisfaction reviews aren’t Excellent, Disney gets to keep bringing you back until you get it right, so zip a dee dooh yourself on board and start singing ‘It’s A Small World.’ Ho ho ho.”

Santa could feel his soul starting to shrivel. “I really need a new Agent Elf.”

“One more thing, Santa,” Krampus said before disappearing, “I’ll be watching. You don’t want to know what the inside of my sack is like – think of all those terrified children, and you’ll get the picture.”

“I will never, ever leave a child a lump of coal,” thought Santa remorsefully, “from now on, there are only going to be presents for everyone!”

With Krampus gone, a chastised Santa waited patiently in line and suffered the smirks from the other characters.

Once on board, Santa found that his berth was airless, dingy, and small, as befitted the hired help; since he shared it with Pinocchio, it felt even smaller because that puppet was such a liar! Every time he opened his mouth, his nose grew.

It wasn’t all bad. The food was plentiful and Santa had an opportunity to get to know the other characters, who were a nice bunch; still, Santa missed his elves.

The daily Santa appearances were shared with the Disney characters in a Royal Court, complete with a colorful fountain and a soundtrack featuring Disney songs. The whole production was available on video.

Santa was required to dance across the stage, scattering candy canes and yelling “Merry Christmas!” For a substantial fee, children could sit on Santa’s lap and have him grant their wishes, provided it was for a Disney action figure.

Finally, the week-long ordeal was over. As soon as the ship docked, Krampus appeared in another blast of lightening.

“I didn’t think you could survive this,” Krampus mused, his tongue wiping his lips, “Disney was counting on having you back, but you managed to pass your Customer Satisfaction review. You’re free to go, unless you’d like to return . . . ?”

“Disney will have its answer before next Christmas,” said Santa, as he retrieved his micro sled, and without a single “ho ho ho” returned to the North Pole.

Despite the unpleasantness of the trip, being away from home had given Santa time to think, something he had not done for quite a while. “I’ve let things go for too long, including Disney.”

Santa’s first stop was Real Estate, to take care of an important personal matter. “I need a little cottage in the Bahamas as a surprise for Mrs. Claus.” Santa had forgotten that one of the nice things about granting wishes is granting a few of his own.

“It’s time to bring back our ho ho ho. We need a place a jolly old fat man can wear a swimsuit and not stand out -- someplace where we can wear plaid swimsuits together if she wants.”

Santa next met with Brigitte the Lawyer Elf and Bonnie the Planning and Production Elf, who informed him that he was under no obligation to carry Disney products.

“That’ll be my answer to Disney, Krampus,” thought Santa, “anyone who hires you is on my permanent Not Nice list!”

“It’s time to put the soul back in Christmas,” announced Santa. “I want to modify Disney toy distribution. Peter Pan, Pinocchio, and the others are being held hostage -- it’s time get Disney out of fairy tales!”

“But what about all the broken hearts?” said Bonnie.

“The kids won’t be too disappointed – it’s just for the classic fairy tales. If Disney wrote the story, that’s OK. Kids need to know about the real stories. Besides, most kids wish for more than one toy anyway.”

Santa knew who'd been naughty and who'd been nice, and he had no hesitation about where Disney fell. Weaselly contract negotiations with their own characters were bad enough, but attempting to steamroll the very last bit of holiday cheer out of Father Christmas himself with their ridiculous policies?

They were lucky Santa didn't turn the entire Matterhorn into a lump of coal after what they'd put him through.

Santa felt happy again, something that had been missing from the North Pole for a long time. It was time for Santa Clause to stop being grumpy after Christmas.