Unexpected Guests
Mar. 25th, 2016 03:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rayasoWeek 15
Call and Response
Let’s face it -- Dlrfstrians were not what Earth expected in an alien race. Sure, they were from another planet, which was good, but that was about it. Scientists, amateur astronomers, cultists and just plain whack-jobs had been searching for signs of extraterrestrial life for decades. There was SETI, of course, and NASA blasted “Across the Universe” in the direction of Polaris, because The Beatles were the best mankind had to offer. Would we attract extraterrestrials or repel them? Who knew?
There have generally been three schools of thought about extraterrestrials. Aliens would invade, destroy everything, take over, and leave Earth a post-apocalyptic mess. More hopeful people thought that aliens would arrive, give us their superior technology, cure all our ills, and guide us gently into an interstellar fellowship. There was a third group, heavily influenced by Disney and Pixar, who thought that aliens would be warm, cuddly, and sooo cute, providing Earth with new merchandizing possibilities.
Ten years after we blessed the universe with The Beatles, we thought we had an answer. NASA picked up a faint, irregular pulse from Alpha Centauri that was clearly an artificial signal. Scientists attempted to decode it, but the best they could do was “snrfzngle.” Google Translate still had a few bugs.
Seven years later, aliens arrived and we knew that we were not alone in the universe. The first aliens landed near Cape Canaveral, Florida, in a spaceship that defied all expectations. It appeared to be a large, well-traveled flying saucer with twin tubular propulsion units attached at the edges. It was once a flashy silver color, but time and distance had left it a mottled grey with several green metal patches. Clouds of steam escaped from crack-like vents, and a loud clanking could be heard from deep inside the spaceship
Not knowing whether the occupants would be destroyers, saviors, or cuddly, television cameras monitored the spaceship from a safe distance, and the world waited, then waited some more, until finally, two days after landing, the hatch opened, and everyone could see four aliens emerge.
The world was not impressed.
The aliens were about five feet tall, primarily brown but with random green and purple splotches. They were humanoid in form, with two legs and a tail, but also had four upper appendages that appeared to be arms. The hands had four stubby fingers, and their heads had three eyes and two orifices, one possibly a mouth with crooked teeth and a single forked tongue, while the second opening seemed to be a nose composed of one nostril that periodically oozed green slime.
Scientists later agreed that the aliens seemed to be allergic to Earth.
Their heads were oblate spheroids according to the experts, but to Americans they looked a lot like footballs. The aliens’ uniforms most closely resembled what could best be described as Hawaiian print moo moos.
The cuddly faction promptly lost interest in the aliens, but the others did not know what to think. Conquerors with beer bellies did not meet the expectations of the group anticipating an apocalypse, while those hoping for a technological messiah began to have doubts as well. A broken-down interstellar junk heap was something of a letdown.
Other disappointments were to follow.
The Dlrfstrian spaceship was capable of traveling at near-light speed, but it had still taken over six years to arrive from Alpha Centauri, not counting repair time. The aliens had spent that time learning Earth languages from the constant signals emanating from television broadcasts. When the Dlrfstrian leader approached the television cameras, he greeted the world with “Yabba dabba do! We are four dudes from Dlrfstria. Let’s boogie down!” Linguists were puzzled by the Dlrfstrian idiom.
It turned out that Dlrfstria had not sent its best and brightest, who understandably did not volunteer for dangerous space missions. Only Dlrfstrians willing to overlook the perils of such expeditions -- or who did not fully understand them -- signed up for the adventure.
It wasn't until scientists met with the Dlrfstrians that the true nature of their mission became apparent.
The aliens were on a family vacation.
Bzrk was the most fluent in English, and the oldest member of the family, although the precise relationships between the Dlrfstrians were convoluted. “First podmate” was more accurate, according to chief exo-biologist Prof. Marvin Williams, who was pleased that real scientists no longer laughed at him. “Dlrfstrians are a plant-based life form,” pronounced Professor Williams. “Think of them as smart-ish peas.”
The uproar over an alien life form quickly died down after it became clear that Earth was not to be conquered or saved, and no commercial opportunities seemed likely. “Eat you?” asked Irtsk at a press conference. “Why would we do that? Are you tasty?”
The Dlrfstrians had only two weeks to spend on Earth before our atmosphere became toxic to them, and after a few days of answering questions they set out to make the most of it.
They tried Earth’s fast food, which made their skin bubble (“Neat!” said Nrwen) and burned their stomachs (“Bkllsurp,” cursed Irtsk). They flew their spacecraft cross-country and visited a beautiful Southern California beach, but immediately left once they’d experienced the perils and discomfort of sand.
No vacation would be complete without a trip to Disneyland, where the Dlrfstrians spewed slime on nearby passengers after riding on the Pirates of the Caribbean (“Gross!” said the passengers; “Great!” said Zxpt).
The Eiffel Tower gave them headaches, especially after the gendarmes left a parking ticket on their ship, and Venice made them sneeze. The Great Pyramids were old and dirty.
It was the discovery of beer that most impressed the Dlrfstrians. “Dude! Great way to hydrate,” remarked Irtsk. Beer was especially intoxicating to the plant-based Dlrfstrians, who spent their last days on Earth drunk.
As their vacation neared an end, they navigated back to Cape Canaveral, narrowly missing several commercial jet planes, after which they picked up a courtesy escort of armed Air Force F-15’s ready to honor the Dlrfstrians with a military salute should they deviate from their flight path again.
Once they arrived, the Dlrfstrians set up their new lounge chairs outside the spaceship and waited for the Earth dignitaries to bid them farewell after their historic visit.
After a few days spent soaking up the sun and consuming many bottles of beer for the long flight home, the Dlrfstrians were at last approached by Susan Darkin, junior flight controller for NASA. “You’re still here? We have a rocket to launch, you know.”
The Dlrfstrians had visited many civilized planets in the course of their travels, and had yet to receive so courteous a send-off. Genuinely touched, the Dlrfstrians began to clean up some of the empty beer bottles, but left the other garbage as souvenirs for their hosts.
At last it was time for the Dlrfstrians to head home. The spaceship’s engines took only a few tries to start (“We may need a little help,” Bzrk radioed NASA), but the craft slowly (if unsteadily) began to rise in a fog of exhaust fumes. After a tenous climb, it eventually broke free of Earth’s gravity, and the Dlrfstrians headed home with many memories.
It had been a historic two weeks for Earth. Humans found out that they were not alone in the Universe, and that they had nothing to fear -- at least from the Dlrfstrians.
In anticipation of future interstellar visitors, SETI had its budget cut and NASA quit broadcasting The Beatles in favor of a selection of death metal tunes. “Who knows what we’ll get next time?” enthused Mark Upston, former head of NASA’s now-defunct Project Welcome.
Interest in extraterrestrial life declined rapidly after the Dlrfstrians left. There were still a few hardcore alien apocalypse fans and even some scattered believers in alien technology, but that was all. The cuddly faction disappeared completely, and Earth’s inhabitants returned to their normal activities.
Having seen the Dlrfstrians, no one gave much thought to alien lifeforms anymore.
Call and Response
UNEXPECTED GUESTS
Let’s face it -- Dlrfstrians were not what Earth expected in an alien race. Sure, they were from another planet, which was good, but that was about it. Scientists, amateur astronomers, cultists and just plain whack-jobs had been searching for signs of extraterrestrial life for decades. There was SETI, of course, and NASA blasted “Across the Universe” in the direction of Polaris, because The Beatles were the best mankind had to offer. Would we attract extraterrestrials or repel them? Who knew?
There have generally been three schools of thought about extraterrestrials. Aliens would invade, destroy everything, take over, and leave Earth a post-apocalyptic mess. More hopeful people thought that aliens would arrive, give us their superior technology, cure all our ills, and guide us gently into an interstellar fellowship. There was a third group, heavily influenced by Disney and Pixar, who thought that aliens would be warm, cuddly, and sooo cute, providing Earth with new merchandizing possibilities.
Ten years after we blessed the universe with The Beatles, we thought we had an answer. NASA picked up a faint, irregular pulse from Alpha Centauri that was clearly an artificial signal. Scientists attempted to decode it, but the best they could do was “snrfzngle.” Google Translate still had a few bugs.
Seven years later, aliens arrived and we knew that we were not alone in the universe. The first aliens landed near Cape Canaveral, Florida, in a spaceship that defied all expectations. It appeared to be a large, well-traveled flying saucer with twin tubular propulsion units attached at the edges. It was once a flashy silver color, but time and distance had left it a mottled grey with several green metal patches. Clouds of steam escaped from crack-like vents, and a loud clanking could be heard from deep inside the spaceship
Not knowing whether the occupants would be destroyers, saviors, or cuddly, television cameras monitored the spaceship from a safe distance, and the world waited, then waited some more, until finally, two days after landing, the hatch opened, and everyone could see four aliens emerge.
The world was not impressed.
The aliens were about five feet tall, primarily brown but with random green and purple splotches. They were humanoid in form, with two legs and a tail, but also had four upper appendages that appeared to be arms. The hands had four stubby fingers, and their heads had three eyes and two orifices, one possibly a mouth with crooked teeth and a single forked tongue, while the second opening seemed to be a nose composed of one nostril that periodically oozed green slime.
Scientists later agreed that the aliens seemed to be allergic to Earth.
Their heads were oblate spheroids according to the experts, but to Americans they looked a lot like footballs. The aliens’ uniforms most closely resembled what could best be described as Hawaiian print moo moos.
The cuddly faction promptly lost interest in the aliens, but the others did not know what to think. Conquerors with beer bellies did not meet the expectations of the group anticipating an apocalypse, while those hoping for a technological messiah began to have doubts as well. A broken-down interstellar junk heap was something of a letdown.
Other disappointments were to follow.
The Dlrfstrian spaceship was capable of traveling at near-light speed, but it had still taken over six years to arrive from Alpha Centauri, not counting repair time. The aliens had spent that time learning Earth languages from the constant signals emanating from television broadcasts. When the Dlrfstrian leader approached the television cameras, he greeted the world with “Yabba dabba do! We are four dudes from Dlrfstria. Let’s boogie down!” Linguists were puzzled by the Dlrfstrian idiom.
It turned out that Dlrfstria had not sent its best and brightest, who understandably did not volunteer for dangerous space missions. Only Dlrfstrians willing to overlook the perils of such expeditions -- or who did not fully understand them -- signed up for the adventure.
It wasn't until scientists met with the Dlrfstrians that the true nature of their mission became apparent.
The aliens were on a family vacation.
Bzrk was the most fluent in English, and the oldest member of the family, although the precise relationships between the Dlrfstrians were convoluted. “First podmate” was more accurate, according to chief exo-biologist Prof. Marvin Williams, who was pleased that real scientists no longer laughed at him. “Dlrfstrians are a plant-based life form,” pronounced Professor Williams. “Think of them as smart-ish peas.”
The uproar over an alien life form quickly died down after it became clear that Earth was not to be conquered or saved, and no commercial opportunities seemed likely. “Eat you?” asked Irtsk at a press conference. “Why would we do that? Are you tasty?”
The Dlrfstrians had only two weeks to spend on Earth before our atmosphere became toxic to them, and after a few days of answering questions they set out to make the most of it.
They tried Earth’s fast food, which made their skin bubble (“Neat!” said Nrwen) and burned their stomachs (“Bkllsurp,” cursed Irtsk). They flew their spacecraft cross-country and visited a beautiful Southern California beach, but immediately left once they’d experienced the perils and discomfort of sand.
No vacation would be complete without a trip to Disneyland, where the Dlrfstrians spewed slime on nearby passengers after riding on the Pirates of the Caribbean (“Gross!” said the passengers; “Great!” said Zxpt).
The Eiffel Tower gave them headaches, especially after the gendarmes left a parking ticket on their ship, and Venice made them sneeze. The Great Pyramids were old and dirty.
It was the discovery of beer that most impressed the Dlrfstrians. “Dude! Great way to hydrate,” remarked Irtsk. Beer was especially intoxicating to the plant-based Dlrfstrians, who spent their last days on Earth drunk.
As their vacation neared an end, they navigated back to Cape Canaveral, narrowly missing several commercial jet planes, after which they picked up a courtesy escort of armed Air Force F-15’s ready to honor the Dlrfstrians with a military salute should they deviate from their flight path again.
Once they arrived, the Dlrfstrians set up their new lounge chairs outside the spaceship and waited for the Earth dignitaries to bid them farewell after their historic visit.
After a few days spent soaking up the sun and consuming many bottles of beer for the long flight home, the Dlrfstrians were at last approached by Susan Darkin, junior flight controller for NASA. “You’re still here? We have a rocket to launch, you know.”
The Dlrfstrians had visited many civilized planets in the course of their travels, and had yet to receive so courteous a send-off. Genuinely touched, the Dlrfstrians began to clean up some of the empty beer bottles, but left the other garbage as souvenirs for their hosts.
At last it was time for the Dlrfstrians to head home. The spaceship’s engines took only a few tries to start (“We may need a little help,” Bzrk radioed NASA), but the craft slowly (if unsteadily) began to rise in a fog of exhaust fumes. After a tenous climb, it eventually broke free of Earth’s gravity, and the Dlrfstrians headed home with many memories.
It had been a historic two weeks for Earth. Humans found out that they were not alone in the Universe, and that they had nothing to fear -- at least from the Dlrfstrians.
In anticipation of future interstellar visitors, SETI had its budget cut and NASA quit broadcasting The Beatles in favor of a selection of death metal tunes. “Who knows what we’ll get next time?” enthused Mark Upston, former head of NASA’s now-defunct Project Welcome.
Interest in extraterrestrial life declined rapidly after the Dlrfstrians left. There were still a few hardcore alien apocalypse fans and even some scattered believers in alien technology, but that was all. The cuddly faction disappeared completely, and Earth’s inhabitants returned to their normal activities.
Having seen the Dlrfstrians, no one gave much thought to alien lifeforms anymore.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2016-03-27 01:10 am (UTC)I actually think you could take this idea longer, G.
Stellar work.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-27 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-27 08:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-27 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-27 08:46 pm (UTC)a courtesy escort of armed Air Force F-15’s ready to honor the Dlrfstrians with a military salute should they deviate from their flight path again.
Hahahaha! Yes, you can see why military OR commercial flying organizations would find the Dlrfstrians' random nagivation to be a threat.
And the old, dirty pyramids... *cries* Though I'm sure there are humans who would think of them exactly the same way, too. :O
no subject
Date: 2016-03-28 12:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-27 10:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-28 12:21 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-27 10:34 pm (UTC)There is so much to love: They're on vacation! They're boring! Their impressions of Earth's attractions! And leaving their garbage as souvenirs!
Wonderful!
no subject
Date: 2016-03-28 12:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-28 10:43 am (UTC)This song came to mind:
no subject
Date: 2016-03-28 10:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2016-03-28 09:31 pm (UTC)I am envious of your exploratory capability. I feel like every time I have to write, it needs to add up to be a "thing" and that hinders some of the creative process, but I feel like you can take a "what-if" and cohesively turn it into... whatever it becomes. In this case, a highly amusing letdown. Last week, something brilliantly different.
no subject
Date: 2016-03-28 10:07 pm (UTC)