rayaso | Season 10, Week 12

Topic: Salty

THE HOP-O-MATIC

Universe hopping was the ultimate high. Jack Thornton was thrilled with moving between the infinity of multiverses, even though it had some limits. He could take his psychological self with him, but nothing else. He had to leave his physical being and become a new Jack in each different universe.

He quickly got used to leaving his world behind, as did most hoppers. “It’s great – kind of like a vacation from reality,” he thought. But there was no guarantee that anyone would be home when he got back, since they were off on their own adventures. The cat was always around, but Cribbage was a poor conversationalist. I could understand the flying cats in Universe 17568342 – I never heard so many great jokes. That mouse stew was terrible, though.

He wished their jokes still made sense to him when he got back home. Evidently humor was something else that didn’t travel between multiverses. Who knew that there was a Three Stooges world? It had separate Moe, Larry and Curly species who were constantly fighting, and they kept trying to poke one another’s eyes out. They liked to throw exploding cream pies, which might have caused real damage if one hit. Fortunately, the Stooges in Universe A34290b were poor shots, like their Earth counterparts.

Then there was the problem of his own shape. In universe hopping, Jack never knew what he would be when he arrived. One time he was some primitive bacteria in an early universe on a planet where life was just beginning. It was interesting, but not a lot of fun. It was a good thing Jack remembered to set the trip return timer.

Visiting other universes was not without consequences, especially to the local biosphere, since hoppers were always contaminating them. As the most advanced life on that planet, almost every other entity that came afterward was descended from Jack. Things did not look good for that planet's future.

The Instruction Manual said that setting the timer was the most important part of the process. It yanked Jack back home automatically -- as a few bacteria, he would have been stuck otherwise. It also got him out of trouble in Universe Alpha 56. “Know the customs and laws before interacting with any species,” the Manual advised. I’ll never forget that again. A planet where sneezing is a crime? Makes sense when it means “Die! Die! Die!” and they shoot death rays from their eyes.”

Then there was the time he became a pillar of salt. Now I know how Lot’s wife felt. Just standing there, unable to move, with giant french fry bugs crawling on me. Blech!

Like all great breakthroughs, the invention of multiverse travelling was astonishingly simple. The machines were about the size of a closet, with lots of wires, dials, and switches Jack didn’t understand. He only needed to follow the Instruction Manual, and the machine did the rest.

There wasn’t much he did understand about the Hop-O-Matic. At first, Jack just left it up to the eggheads, but his confidence in them was shaken when he became a giant egg in Universe 23644. He didn’t feel any smarter, although Jack really enjoyed sitting on that wall. It was a good thing the planet had low gravity, or when he fell off, he would have been in big trouble.

The Hop-O-Matic was also surprisingly cheap. Anyone could have one, so everyone did. What the various universes thought about humans popping in and out didn’t bother people – it was too much fun.

Work nearly ground to a halt because everyone was off exploring a different universe. It became the ultimate time waster, surpassing even the internet, but civilization proved surprisingly adaptable, so life went on.

Not all multiverses were fun, as Jack discovered. In several of them, there were extra dimensions. It felt weird, being folded in on myself while on different planes at once. Still, it was better than being two dimensional. That was Universe 5892@!p. I felt like one of those Picasso paintings. Both eyes were on the same side of my nose and I had to walk sideways, like those ancient Egyptian paintings.

There was a universe of aching beauty, where Jack was the only living thing to see it, and a tired, worn-out universe where he was the last collection of coherent matter, the rest having dissipated across endless space. The wildest ride had been when he landed in a universe experiencing its Big Bang, and he had been nearly blasted out of existence.

Once the novelty wore off, Jack began missing his family and his old life. Cribbage just wasn’t enough, no matter how friendly she was. His children were never home. They were always off exploring other universes, “for school projects.”

Jack and his wife, Helen, tried hopping together, even though the Manual cautioned against it. They wound up merged as a two-headed gliznon beast lost in a borogove, knowing each other’s thoughts and always disagreeing, especially about mimsy. After returning, it almost led to a divorce, except they were never home at the same time.

Section 87.9 of the Manual warned users that universal laws might be different when they hopped. Jack found this to be fun, especially in Universe 634-99, where effect preceded cause, so that the little explosion he inadvertently set off ran backwards. He wasn’t sure if the sqapple would be grateful, since they popped back into existence, or mad, since he blew them up in the first place. The sqapple lacked a sense of humor, so he didn’t stick around to find out.

But two laws appeared to be multiversal – the law of unintended consequences and the exchange principle. Hoppers always left something of their home universe behind, while taking something of the new universe with them. Most universes were being contaminated with all kinds of DNA now. Fleas from Cribbage rode along on one trip, eventually causing a planet to develop giant blood-sucking monsters.

It was what hoppers brought back that ended multiverse travel. No one predicted that alien life would so easily be incorporated into human visitors. Jack started developing a horn on his forehead, courtesy of the !bytt, a third arm from the Zardacs, and compulsive talking from the Wuttels. His wife and children had other mutations, and hoppers everywhere began to look equally odd.

Although these additions disappeared over time, the hopper industry was devastated by product recalls and lawsuits from unhappy users. Eventually, multiverse travel was banned.

Deprived of their escapist fun, people returned to the internet to avoid each other. Jack and Helen stayed together, while their children sometimes did actual homework when using their computers.

Life returned to normal, except Jack still remembered a few jokes from the cats of Universe 17568342, which Cribbage enjoyed even if Jack didn’t.

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