Enjoy Every Sandwich: "Moonbeam"

[rayaso]

 

 

MOONBEAM 

The setting was perfect for little Sophia Peterson's christening.  The old church was a 19th century landmark, white with the perfect steeple.  The courtyard had a beautiful fountain surrounded by lush landscaping.    Since the Petersons were not members of the church, a substantial payment to the restoration fund had been necessary, but nothing was too good for their precious baby.  Decorative clouds were scudding across the perfect blue sky and the fashionable guests were present.  The only problem?  The fairy was late. 

The parents were getting nervous and Sophia was starting to cry, which would ruin the video.  Just as Father Albert insisted on beginning, the fairy appeared, out of breath and narrowly missing the fountain. 

“Sorry I’m late,” said Moonbeam, hovering over the baby, “I was double-booked.” 

“What kind of fairy are you?” asked the father, frowning. 

“The bargain kind,” answered Moonbeam.  “You get what you pay for.” 

“I told you to get the Premium Service!” the mother hissed, glaring at her husband as Sophia started to howl. 

“I can see why you wanted a fairy’s blessing,” said Moonbeam.  “That’s one ugly spud you’ve got there.” 

Before the parents could speak, he waved his plastic wand and scattered some glitter. 

“This child shall have a perfect life and go to Stanford Medical School . . . .” 

“Harvard!” said the mother, glaring at Moonbeam. 

“Whatever,” said Moonbeam, “don’t interrupt or she’ll turn into a frog like that other one.  Anyway, perfect life, marry a prince, and blah blah blah.” 

With another wave of his wand and more glitter, he disappeared. 

Moonbeam flew to his favorite stool at Porky’s, run by Porky Pig after Looney Tunes cancelled his contract over that indecent exposure incident.  “It’s not what you think,” Porky had told the police, “I’m drawn without pants!”  He’d been let off with a warning, but that was too much for Looney Tunes. 

Porky’s was the kind of place a fairy could go for a drink, get something to eat, and meet other extranatural beings.  Porky didn’t care what you were – fairy, demon, troll, selkie, cartoon – as long as you kept your tab current and your problems to yourself. 

“Th-th-the regular?” he asked.  “Chocolate liqueur over sugar cubes?” 

“Make it a double with extra sugar,” said Moonbeam, “and bring me a toasted peanut butter and Nutella sandwich with jam and honey.  Melt some marshmallows over that.” 

Most fairies ate like hummingbirds, living off nectar, dew, and rainbows.  Not Moonbeam – he liked his food solid and sweet, and he loved the Moonbeam Special.  If Porky liked you, he’d name a sandwich after you.  He’d been a regular ever since Tinkerbell dumped him for Peter Pan. 

“Sure, we had our problems,” Moonbeam would say, “but Pan?  No one even knows what he is – a fairy?  Pixie?  Sprite?  Or just a boy who can fly and won’t grow up?” 

All anyone knew was that Peter Pan was trouble.  As soon as he’d arrived, Pan had muscled his way to the top.  The one thing Tinkerbell craved was power, but no one took her seriously because she was just a fairy.  If she couldn’t have power herself, she could at least marry it, so she left Moonbeam.  

“Best part is,” thought Moonbeam, “Pan’s not the marrying kind and Tink’s looking a little ragged.” 

Pan had it all – the play, the book, the movie, and whatever fairy caught his fancy.  Tinkerbell had put up with his roving wings for the sake of her ambition.  Not even Captain Hook had been able to slow him down.  

“But there’s no Peter Pan sandwich – just a third-rate brand of peanut butter,” thought Moonbeam, as he bit into his Special, savoring every gooey mouthful. 

Before he could finish, his phone alerted him to an urgent message:  DRESS CODE VIOLATION!  Report to Castle immediately. 

“Looks like I’ve been a bad fairy again,” said Moonbeam.  “You got a mirror in this joint?” 

“B-b-bathroom” replied Porky. 

The stench was overwhelming.  “Why can’t ogres learn to flush?” thought Moonbeam. 

Now he could see why the Petersons had been so upset.  He was wearing his black butterfly wings, black jeans, and black Led Zeppelin t-shirt.  “Forgot to change again,” he thought.  “They probably thought their baby was cursed by a tiny angel of death.” 

Moonbeam usually liked colorful Monarch butterfly wings, even though children kept chasing him with glass jars.  One time he’d been a third-grader’s show-and-tell.  That hadn’t gone well at the Castle, but the kids had loved him.  

Moonbeam headed back -- this wasn’t going to be pleasant.  “Time to see the Queen,” he thought as he landed on the Castle’s turret. 

Tinkerbell liked the nickname even though it wasn’t a compliment.  “I can send those silly princesses back to the cutting room floor with a wave of my wand,” she’d say, “so they better #@!$%&* well treat me like a %$@# queen!”  No one did, of course, which made her madder.  Tinkerbell got where she was because of Pan, and everyone knew it.  “When Pan dumps her, she’s gone” thought Moonbeam as he knocked on her door.  

“I don’t care if we were married,” Tinkerbell yelled at Moonbeam.  “Why do you think we have those @#$%!& costumes?  They pay for a fairy, so give them a show!” 

Moonbeam had one star on Yelp -- “rude,” “obnoxious,” and “late” were the most common reviews, but he didn’t care.  “What’s Tink going to do, fire me?” he thought.  “They need me.”  There weren’t that many fairies anymore and those willing to work for Disney were in short supply.  Most preferred free-lancing on the fairy tale circuit. 

“You look like a fairy from hell and you reek of peanut butter!” said Tinkerbell.  “Have you been at that pig’s bar again?  Don’t answer – don’t $#@%%! say anything!  You’re on probation.  One more screw up and you’re gone!  Get back to work!”  She slammed the door after him. 

Moonbeam was always on probation, so that didn’t bother him, but this was the first time Tink had threatened to fire him. 

Moonbeam went to the locker room and put on his costume.  It resembled Peter Pan’s green tunic and leggings, but made out of leaves.  He hated it – it made him look like a woodland sprite.  Wings were required to be the boring iridescent ones favored by Tinkerbell.  “Someone threw Peter Pan and Tinkerbell in a blender to come up with this,” thought Moonbeam.  “All the glorious wings in the world, and you can barely see these!” 

His next assignment was a “Celebration of Life” for a baby.  From the address, Moonbeam knew what to expect, and he wasn’t disappointed: huge, expensive house, new expensive cars, decorative family and friends, and trophy parents.  “This kid doesn’t stand a chance,” thought Moonbeam, his wings sagging. 

His entrance over the swimming pool lacked any excitement.  He even skipped the glitter.  “I can’t take it anymore,” he had thought when he had read the order form.  “Harvard Medical School again?”  There had been nothing about the baby’s happiness. 

Moonbeam hovered over baby Grayson, then whispered his blessing in his ear.  The parents couldn’t hear, but the baby smiled.  “What did you say?” demanded the father.  Moonbeam didn’t answer. 

After seeing that smile, he knew what to do.  His exit was spectacular, with a barrel roll, a loop-the-loop, and a shower of real fairy dust.  He could see the father on his phone before he disappeared with a bang, but he didn’t care. 

Before he could return to the Castle, Moonbeam’s phone buzzed with an emergency message from Peter Pan himself: GET BACK HERE NOW!  He just dropped the phone over a freeway. 

Moonbeam went straight to his locker and changed.  He decided on a pair of magnificent bat’s wings and flew out the window, leaving Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, and the Castle behind.  He didn’t know what he would do next, but he was hungry. 

Moonbeam took the scenic flight to Porky’s.  But when he got there, he saw police cars with Porky sitting on the curb, handcuffed, his head down and tail uncurled.  The police were too busy to see Moonbeam land next to him.  

“Some k-k-kid named P-P-Peter lied about me,” Porky said.  “Indecent exposure in front of a minor -- but I never leave the bar!  They gave me a warning before, but I can’t help it – it’s the way I’m drawn.” 

“I don’t think artistic license is a defense,” said Moonbeam.  “Kid named Peter?” he thought, “it’s just Pan’s revenge.” 

Peter Pan’s plot didn’t last long.  At Porky’s first court hearing, the judge noted that he was a cartoon pig, not a person, and he didn’t appear to have genitals to expose, so he was free to go. 

While Porky had been locked up in the pen, Moonbeam had helped run Porky’s.  “Pants or no pants,” he had told Porky, “you’re still my friend.  I’ll take care of things until you get out.” 

Moonbeam found that he liked running the bar.  True, he couldn’t cook very well, but the customers never complained.  Once Porky came back, he handled the food while Moonbeam tended the bar.  “Even a fairy’s got to eat,” he told Porky, who kept him supplied with Moonbeam Specials.  This allowed him to bless for free the children whose parents couldn’t afford Tinkerbell’s exorbitant prices, which annoyed her. 

This was nothing compared to her anger when DisneyCo. discovered that Peter Pan was behind Porky’s arrest.  Pan was demoted to a minor character and Cinderella was brought in to run the Fairy Division.  Her first decision was to demote Tinkerbell to Regular Fairy status and send her out to bless babies.  Tinkerbell hated babies. 

Moonbeam had the satisfaction of watching Grayson grow up to be happy despite his mother and father, while Sophia became a successful artist and a disappointment to her parents. 

Porky Pig said it best: “Th-th-that’s all, folks!”

 

Comments

[bleodswean]

LOLOLOL! I honestly don't know how you do this thing you do, G! Where do you go inside your mind to find this material??? This was hysterical and I honestly did Laugh Out Loud!

I also never thought about Porky as an exhibitionist and now I have to scrub that out of my brain.

Great job!

[rayaso]

I'm glad you liked it. This came from the part of my brains that houses Desperation, the primeval deity that is the twin of Panic. When they take control, who knows what will come out? I certainly don't. I don't think of Porky as an exhibitionist because he gets no sexual pleasure out of his appearance. He was just drawn this way. The person to wonder about is his creator, who made a half-naked talking pig with a stutter. Why not give the poor pig some pants?

[static_abyss]

Bless your wonderful imagination. You've got an amazing talent for creativity. Well done!

[rayaso]

Thank you! That means a lot to me. Most of my entries start off someplace else, then I get stuck and desperate.

[kimschlotwrites]

This was great! Tink got what she deserved.

[rayaso]

Yes she did! No more power for her -- it's back to the babies.

[halfshellvenus]

Pan had it all – the play, the book, the movie, and whatever fairy caught his fancy.
Hahahaha! Pan had better agents than most, clearly.

I knew this would turn out to be comic gold as soon as you described it, and it definitely was. The horribly-wrong name of 'Moonbeam,' the audacity of calling his christening-gig baby an 'ugly spud,' the biker-fairy persona, the one-star Yelp review, and the willingness to ask the question that should have been asked long ago: what IS Peter Pan?

Moonbeam's sandwich sounds truly frightening. Peanut butter and any one of those things in combination, sure. All of them at once? Yikes.

I also loved the idea of Moonbeam becoming a third grader's show-and-tell. That sounds like the ultimate humiliation for a fairy!

[rayaso]

Moonbeam definitely didn't fit his name, but what did his parents know? If they knew how he was going to turn out, they could have given him a more suitable name. Someday, if I'm feeling adventurous, I may try making a Moonbeam Special, and maybe stick some bananas in it along with some chocolate syrup for dipping. Being displayed in a glass jar for the amusement of third-graders probably wasn't a career highlight, if only because that means that Moonbeam couldn't avoid getting caught. "Avoiding humans" is probably a pretty basic skill for fairies.

[bellatrix_lestrange]

This was so much fun to read! I really love how creative your entries always are and this one made me laugh so much as well!

[rayaso]

Thank you! I'm glad you found it funny. Humor is individual that one person's funny is another person's lead balloon.

[itsjust_c]

Haha! Brill! This one made me laugh. It was a lot of fun to read! Your story is very similar to how my brain works at all times!

[rayaso]

Oh no! Your poor brain! All the time? Mine only gets like this when I'm injecting Idol. I know, it's a dirty habit. I'll get clean someday. Maybe this week? Who knows?

[dmousey]

i loved this amusing piece! Made me miss watching the coterie of Looney Tunes with my kids! Thank you for penning this piece! 🐭✌🐁🎀😊

[rayaso]

Cartoons with little kids -- such wonderful times! I'm glad you enjoyed this entry.

[the_eternal_overthinker]

Excellent! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Very Creative! *claps*

[rayaso]

Thank you! I'm glad you liked it.