rayaso | The Meme Detective

LJ Idol, Season 9, Week 9
“Keep calm and end this meme”

Due to a family medical emergency (not halfshellvenus or our children) it is unlikely that I will be able to reply to your comment, so I must thank you in advance for reading my entry and taking the time to comment.

THE MEME DETECTIVE

San Francisco was a beautiful city, but today it had a murder problem. The crime scene was gruesome; from the condition of the body, it looked like the work of a Jack the Ripper meme. Detective David Burke needed to talk to the Doge, and fast. As the current most popular meme, he could help. It’s a meme crime and the Doge needs to fix it, grumbled the detective. This meant a trip to Stan’s Bar, the Doge’s hangout when he crossed over.

Kitty, puppy, or baby, Dave sighed wearily, I’m gonna need some help. The Doge didn’t care much for 3D humans, but using a memic, an imitation meme, might help. Detective Burke knew not to challenge a meme’s popularity; his first choice would have been a penguin memic – how long since one’d gone viral? – but the Zoo was short on penguins since that last incident. Memes’re so damn insecure.

Babies were out, too. Child Protective Services wouldn’t let him near the nursery anymore. Yeah, the last loans didn’t go well, but no one’d been hurt. Looks like it’s kitty or puppy. Time to visit the SPCA. Maybe they’ve forgotten.

It was a typical summer morning in San Francisco, foggy and cold, but Dave loved it. The damp gray mist curled around the buildings, muffling sound, filtering the morning light. He could smell the ocean; later it would be sunny, but now it was perfect.

Detective Burke rolled down his window on the Crown Vic as he drove; the cold air helped him think. Who the hell would make a Jack the Ripper meme? If a meme goes viral, it can cross over. Everyone knows that. Dave was sure this Ripper was a meme. The original Jack the Ripper wrote letters to the press, a practice followed by his many copiers, human and meme alike. Meme letters were always the giveaway: “I iz Jack the Ripper” or “Jackz Baaaack!” just wasn’t that scary. The SPCA better come through.

The SPCA was in a white stucco building near Golden Gate Park. Bland on the outside, it was welcoming on the inside, except to Detective Burke. His picture was on the Wall of Shame, covered by a red circle with a diagonal band. “NO MORE!” screamed the poster. He left quickly before he could be recognized. Whatever happened to forgive and forget? It was all police business!

No puppy or kitty. Dave had hit a trifecta he couldn’t afford to win. I can’t show up empty-handed -- not with the Doge. One last chance or I’m screwed.

Memes are like their 3D counterparts. Lolcats play with string and doges love to eat. Dog treats should soften him up – a big bag for the Big Doge. There’s a pet store on the way to Stan’s. By now the sun had burned off the fog. If I wanted sunshine, I would move to L.A. and root for the Dodgers.

Stan’s Bar was in the Mission District; gentrification had changed the neighborhood, but Stan clung to the past. It was shabby, but friendly enough, with real Giants’ memorabilia, a jukebox heavy on the Rat Pack, red leather bar stools, a pool table, and Anchor Steam on tap. The regulars were older, drinking away their Social Security checks, with a scattering of hipsters, who made a game of ordering the craft beers Stan would never carry and then tweeting their friends. Lol my ass.

The Doge was in the back, sitting on a couch. He didn’t bark or bite, so Stan let him stay whenever he wanted. Detective Burke sat on the far end and put the bag of treats between them. The Doge was a cute dog, perfect for a meme. He was a Shiba Inus, furry and small, with an upturned mouth.

OMG! U bring me such noms? said the Doge, i can haz cheezeburger! Detective Burke knew this was a test. funny doge, cheezeburgerz are for lolcats! i bring u doge treatz!

Dave pushed the bag of treats closer across the sofa. The Doge eyed the huge bag hungrily. Just wait – you’re gonna have to earn this, big guy.

haz U such problemz? maybe i cahn help.

Dave quickly explained the Jack the Ripper murder. Memes have such short attention spans.

iz 3D death, and iz 3D problem!

Detective Burke started to get angry, but took a few deep breaths. Memes didn’t understand anger, only humor. He placed the crime scene photos and the Ripper letters on the sofa. The Doge looked at them and howled loudly. Glad the Doge hates this shit too.

ok, iz meme killer. we hatez twisted onez – very bad for biznuss. why u 3D guys make them?

dunno – they iz just sick ____. Dave stopped short. Most memes hated profanity. He tried to distract the Doge by pouring a big bowl of treats. NOM NOM NOM

i needz sumthing elze.

Here it comes. Everything costs.

i needz help from otherz – grumpycatz, overly obsessed girlfriendz, babyz.

That’s big – real big. These are the Doge’s viral competitors.

i wantz press conference – big one! print, tv, internet, all media. “The Doge Saves City” “The Doge Catches Ripper” “The Doge Iz Meme of Year” – only the Doge -- no grumpycat, overly obsessed girlfriend, or baby. someone make meme of the Doge az K9 unit, badge, hat. i wantz the best. i getz press, u getz Ripper – simple.

Dave wasn’t surprised; after all, there was a reason he was the Doge – popularity. Cutting out the other memes was a little cold. It’s tough being a viral meme – such short lives. One day you’re #1, next you’re #14 on some blogger’s “Top 25 Memes for 2014.”

u bringz me Ripper tonight, u getz press conference tomorrow. polize chief make u meme detective!

u wait here. relax – have beer – back soon.

With that, the Doge disappeared. I hate that! At least the Cheshire Cat goes slowly. But he did leave the treats behind. No doge would leave food behind unless he was coming back.

Dave walked over to the bar, ordered a beer and ate some peanuts. No telling how long he’ll be gone . . . memetime’s so different. Waiting was the hard part. The Giants game was on TV, and they were ahead by a run.

Detective Burke was halfway through his second beer when the Doge suddenly reappeared, with a very unhappy Ripper in handcuffs.

Here he iz – time u take out such trash! u tell 3D humanz not to make theze anymore! Press conference noon tomorrow, city hall stepz – c u there!

And with that, the Doge disappeared; this time, he took the treats. See you tomorrow.

Detective Burke had the killer and all it cost him was some dog food and a press conference. He threw the Ripper in the cage in the rear of his car, rolled down his front window, and headed out. The Ripper meme would give up his creator in five minutes - memes always did - so Dave could pick him up on the way back to the precinct. Let that bastard sit in the cage with his Ripper. Teach the creep a lesson.

Today had turned out OK after all, if you weren’t the victim. He had the Ripper, the Giants had won, and the fog was rolling back in. Detective Burke almost smiled. Tomorrow would bring the press conference. The Captain’ll like the press conference, he’ll pal around with the Doge. Dave didn’t want to be there, he hated media circuses. I’ll watch it at Stan’s. Those peanuts were fresh, and the Giants’ll be playing. Maybe Detective Doge’ll drop by and we cahn talkz sum more.

Life was good in the City.

* * * * *

Acknowledgments: TeenSon read the memespeak. He did not roll his eyes.

Resources:

The Doge: http://static02.mediaite.com/geekosystem/uploads/2013/12/time.jpg
Detective David Burke (undercover): http://www.thrillingdetective.com/images3/tracer_bullet.jpg
Grumpy Cat: http://www.inboundmarketingagents.com/Portals/160334/images/Grumpy-Cat-MEME-01.jpg
Overly Obsessed Girlfriend: http://www.inboundmarketingagents.com/Portals/160334/images/3pt0h1.jpg